Dormy House Hotel, Broadway

I was gutted to find no reply from the Mount Somerset Hotel, not least because it's one of few I would be willing to drive to. It seems they're unwilling to participate in my blog. Sort of.

I can't stop myself from trying to get a heavily discounted or free room for the night and so I decided that there's no point trying to fight it. Perhaps one of them will offer me some free accommodation and instantly become the best hotel in the UK. I have my fingers crossed.

Message to Dormy House Hotel, Broadway

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My friend Reginald sent me the details of your excellent competition and I am delighted that you haven't followed the ITV route of asking a ridiculously easy question with the view to receiving many replies, most of whom don't realise how little a chance they have. Thus I have included my reply with this email and hope you will consider me for the prize of a free room for the night and a luxury hamper.

The answer is of course Adelaide of Saxe-Meiningen who I believe was also the inspiration for the naming of the city of Adelaide in Australia. I can confirm that I have used no resources to obtain my conclusion and trust that no-one else you enter towards the competition will have entrusted their decision to answers provided by the Gogglesearches.

Many thanks for allowing me to enter your delightful competition and I look forward to receiving my Parker pen should I not be the successful participant.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Mount Somerset Hotel, Taunton

I had a response this week but unfortunately it wasn't what I was hoping for.

Message from Branston Hall Hotel, Lincoln

"Dear Mr Lander

Thank you for your enquiry. The lowest price I can offer for room only would be £79.00 per room per night.

Kind Regards

***
Receptionist
Branston Hall Hotel"

As I couldn't get an appropriate discount I tried another tactic. Having been faced with a number of customers trying to pay in four tons of change during my time as a bank cashier I wondered how it would feel to be on the other side of the counter.

Message to Branston Hall Hotel, Lincoln

"Hi ***

Thank you for your fast reply. Would that be £79 for the four poster room? That would really put the fizz into our anniversary Wednesday. As mentioned I would be happy to pay a £10 deposit and perhaps bring the rest with me in cash? I've got a demijohn full of twenty pence pieces that has to be worth around £69 at least. Do you have a change sorting machine in your foyer?

Kind regards,

T. Lander esq."

This time another receptionist was on duty yet they were still unwilling to budge on the price.

Message from Branston Hall Hotel, Lincoln

"Dear Mr Lander

Thank you for your email. It would be £79 for a standard double room for room only. A standard four poster room would be an additional £15. Please contact us on 01522 793305 if you would like to make a booking.

Kind Regards

***
Receptionist"

I didn't push it any further as this was going one of two ways; either an eternal loop of 'these are our prices, please call to book' or 'we have blocked your email from our system and will attack if you find a way around this'. I wasn't keen on being attacked.

Moving forward, I have decided that honesty is the best policy and I am going to admit that everything I do tends to end up on a blog.

Message to Mount Somerset Hotel, Taunton

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am going to be honest and upfront with you as I find mystery shopping to be a very devious method of achieving results. I am a well respected 'blogger' with a five figure audience* and I am travelling the country to find the best hotels which includes facilities and service. To be featured on the blog we are asking hotels to provide a small contribution to travel expenses and a room for the night, preferably a Saturday into Sunday.

So far we have fifteen hotels who have partaken in the blog and, if I'm honest, their service can be matched and exceeded. I am therefore putting it to you to be the best in the UK. I regularly bring my wife to provide a female perspective on the ambience of the hotels and so if she could be accommodated it would help your score dramatically.

I realise you probably want to see the blog first but unfortunately it would give you an edge on the other hotels as you would know which one spilt gravy on my wife and which called my dog an "effing little c-hound" (this phrase was uttered more explicitly). I will not be bringing my dog on this occasion as it turns out the proprietary type was correct so we now leave him with my brother and hope he doesn't chew his prized postcard collection.

I trust we can discuss this further and I look forward to receiving your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

This week I put 'opportunity' instead of 'enquiry' as the subject line. It made me chuckle more than it should have.

*A 'five figure audience' is an audience that earns, on average, five figures in their salary. I'm assuming you've all got money to spare, sorry about that.

Branston Hall Hotel, Lincoln

Maintaining radio silence once more. Looking at it another way I haven't been arrested yet.

People who know me really well will notice this week's post isn't too far from the truth. Trying to grab a bargain room may not be the ultimate romantic gesture but, if it works, we will get a bargain room.

Message to Branston Hall Hotel, Lincoln

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am in a quandary. This year alone I have missed Valentine's Day, Mothering Sunday, Easter and our wedding anniversary due to work commitments and my wife has 'suggested' a romantic weekend away to compensate for her loss. The trouble I have is that a deposit for one of your rooms would show up on our joint bank statement and I'm certain my wife would take this as yet another business commitment rather than the gift it is intended to be.

If I could get a room in your fine establishment for a token price of £10 I could pass it off as a business lunch and then break the news after a short journey to your fine hotel. I realise this is considerably less than the rate you charge but we're very clean and I am certain you would barely notice our presence.

Thank you for taking the time to read my conundrum, I hope this will be satisfactory. If necessary we can come on a Wednesday and bring our own hot beverage facilities.

Kind regards.

T. Lander, esq."

Pennyhill Park Hotel, Bagshot

I'm going to be honest; I wasn't expecting much of a response after suggesting new gift shop ideas last week. However it's always nice to come home to an email from a hotel so I've tried a bit harder this week and touched on a problem that many come across, particularly if their usual night out involves food from a bucket or eating in the car from a brown paper bag.

I may be giving away more about myself than I intended to, there.

Message to the Pennyhill Park Hotel, Bagshot

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am writing to confirm the arrangements in your restaurant for meals such as Sunday roast which feature a prominent serving of meat accompanied by an array of vegetables normally selected by availability. It is my eleventh wedding anniversary next month and I am selecting an establishment to occupy with my wife by the answer provided so I hope you will pay suitable attention to my enquiry.

My conundrum is thus; do you serve the meat with the vegetables surrounding such on the dish covered in a healthy helping of stock/gravy or are you of the persuasion whereby vegetables are brought out in a separate dish and diners are left to help themselves? My reason for asking is that I was brought up in an environment where my brothers and I were expected to finish our meals wholly before exiting the dinner table and I recently visited a restaurant employing the latter technique. Dish after dish of vegetables were brought out to satisfy my needs, however I tried to alert the staff that I had completed my course only to be faced with yet another bowlful of veg that I felt obliged to consume. Eventually I was tranquilised like a roaming bear and escorted off the premises on a makeshift stretcher and blacklisted as a guzzler when my intention was completely innocent.

I hope that you can provide Mrs L and I with a hearty dinner that doesn't alert the junior journalists of the local paper and, should your answer satisfy our needs, I will be sure to add you to a shortlist of possible locations.

Many thanks for your time.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."