Hyatt Regency, Birmingham

I was unnecessarily excited at a response from the Fitzwilliam this week, as illustrated here.

Message from the Fitzwilliam, Dublin

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you so much for our email we would love to make your stay as memorable as possible with us, can I ask it the trip for a special occasion.

Can I please also confirm the name the room is reserve under and I will have a look into your requests?

Looking forward to speaking with you soon,

Kind regards,

*** ***"

The signs were there; they're only interested in people who have already booked yet I failed to notice and sent back a suitable reply.

Message to the Fitzwilliam, Dublin

"Dear ***,

Thank you for your prompt reply. Currently we are looking at arriving towards the end of April, however as I will be bringing Pete on this occasion I cannot confirm the dates completely as he's as reliable as a Datsun before they changed their name to hide such. I will be sure to confirm this with you as soon as we are certain of our stay but at this moment I was simply ascertaining your ability to provide such a luxury item. As should be clear by now, the fact I am bringing along our resident village idiot should confirm it is more of a business trip than a special occasion.

I realise there may be a few issues with resealing the original wrapping so I will be sure to give you plenty of advance notice but if I could get details on pricing I would be most grateful. If you need to practise the art before our arrival then the nickname I use for my wife is "Special Honeybear II" and this is the lettering I would be requiring.

Thanks again for getting in touch, I look forward to seeing your work.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

I have heard nothing since and have been left heartbroken and untouched. As ever I moved on this week to a place that offers free Wi-fi, 'me' time and no booking fees, the latter making me a bit sceptical about their facilities.

Message to the Hyatt Regency, Birmingham

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I noted with interest your low room rates and no booking fees but, far from making me lift the phone to text in my request, it made me wonder how you keep the lower classes out of your building. I'm all for equality between fellow men but I draw the line at having to listen to a group of rat-bottomed teenagers 'getting jiggy' in preparation for a 'gig' with their 'home boys' and children of mothers who refuse to wipe that awful green river from the faces of their 'little darlings' (brats).

Should I wish to stay with your wonderful staff would there be any consideration for my wishes? I would rather sleep beneath the repetitive clunking of a successful businessman using a treadmill as he makes another fine deal for himself than have to suffer groups of people who have to share rooms in order to get their one holiday a year. I hope this doesn't make me sound like a snob as I regularly give my spare change to the individuals with the tins outside supermarkets but I have my thoughts and I will stick by them.

I hope you will be able to alleviate my concerns and look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

I imagine there are people with these opinions out there but would like to stress, for the record, I am not one of them. Live and let live is my motto (that I stole from someone else).

Fitzwilliam, Dublin

It seems Drake's didn't want my business as I'm pretty sure their hotel is right on the beach and there would have been ample jetski parking close by. Perhaps they've met me and this is their online way of pulling the curtains closed and pretending they're not in.

I was talking to someone about Dublin this week and it got me thinking that the Irish, without wishing to stereotype, are generally agreeable people and therefore may be willing to fulfil my request.  With this in mind I have chosen the Fitzwilliam which boasts glorious views, luxurious rooms and a Pinterest account.

Message to the Fitzwilliam, Dublin

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I've always been fascinated by the bar staff who are able to produce a clover on the top of a perfectly poured Guinness despite the fact they are normally growling at my friend Pete who insists on a splash of blackcurrant in the bottom. He says this is because he's metropolitan but the last landlord asked if I was with him and I had to deny it as, if anyone's getting assaulted for Pete's choice of drink, it should be Pete.

On this topic I was wondering if your staff produce Snickers bars with the name of your great city on them and, if not, could they use their magical methods of pouring to recreate one? My wife loves souvenirs but will only eat chocolate if it's surrounding nuts, a scenario that granted me a black eye once as I attempted to apply humour to this fact.

I hope you are able to help as my stay is fairly soon and I would like to be able to wink at my wife as I promise her something unique and delicious. I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Drake's Hotel, Brighton

I was stunned during the week to find a reply from Rudding Park...

Message from Rudding Park Hotel, Harrogate

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your e-mail. At Rudding Park we endeavour to meet any of our guests requests and strive for total guest satisfaction, prioritising our guests needs is the key to our success.

As such we would be delighted to provide any literature for your stay, be it Irvine Welsh's 'Trainspotting', Oscar Wilde’s ‘Complete Works’ or ‘The Illustrated Complete Works of Shakespeare’, simply let us know and we will arrange anything for you.

As an enthusiast of the written word you’ll also be pleased to know, not only do we have one, but three libraries on the Rudding Estate, but again if its Irvine Welsh’s ‘Trainspotting’ you would prefer just let us know. Alternatively, or as well as, the film adaptation directed by Danny Boyle can also be provided.

Please don’t hesitate to contact us when you would like to make a reservation and we would be delighted to pass on any details to our reservations team of any special requests.

We look forward to hear from you.

Kind Regards

*** ***"

This is a great advert for their service. I responded thusly.

Message to Rudding Park Hotel, Harrogate

"Dear ***,

Thank you for your wonderful response and the timely manner in which it was received. Your three library arrangement is indeed very impressive yet your commitment towards the happiness of your guests is the most welcoming part of your communication.

I shall be sure to ask for you by name when my accommodation needs are confirmed and I look forward to staying with you. I shall ensure I book the right media to coincide with the length of my stay as, although I love to indulge in an authored work, a weekend break may necessitate the moving pictures of the emergence from a latrine and your assurance of the availability of such is both kind and thoughtful.

I would like to thank you once again for your response and wish you all the best in the interim. May your business thrive and your rooms consistently fill to bursting.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

I know where I'm going if I ever get a helicopter. This week I decided to find somewhere to park my jetski.

Message to Drake's Hotel, Brighton

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am a bit confused as to your exact location and wish to confirm before making my reservation. The last establishment I attended was quite some way inland and this led to a rather unfortunate two day excursion that I wish to avoid if at all possible.

Is your hotel particularly close to the sea? I like to arrive by jetski to give myself the best chance of a unique entrance and was quite hoping I could park my transport at a convenient distance to your front door. My belongings will arrive by limousine of course, I have Jenkins for such, but the time of year isn't right for a 48 hour wetsuit clad walk through no man's land.

I would like to take the opportunity to thank you in advance for providing your location information and look forward to staying with you soon.

Kind regards,

T. Lander esq."

Rudding Park Hotel, Harrogate

All quiet on the western front. This makes me think there is an attack due in the east shortly.

This week's hotel was recently named the UK's top hotel (outside of London, by Tripadviser) and includes helicopter co-ordinates in the 'contact us' section. If you're thinking of turning up in a Learjet you may need to book ahead.

Just for reference Dyke Bottom Farm is a camp site near to the hotel.

Message to the Rudding Park Hotel, Harrogate

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I have been discussing literary requirements with Dyke Bottom Farm and they have assured me that guests to their establishment receive a complimentary copy of Irvine Welsh's 'Trainspotting' in their bedside cabinets.

I have spent many a night in so-called luxury hotels only to find they have a few threadbare copies of Oscar Wilde's greatest hits and illustrated Shakespeare in a shared library. Never before have I been offered my own copy of a book I like to return to time and time again.

Could your establishment offer the same or should I book in with the other chaps? Frankly I think a copy of good literature in every room is the starting block for new entrepreneurs in your business. I realise that this is just my opinion but all facts are essentially based on an initial idea...or physics if you're looking out towards the rest of the universe.

Kind regards,

T. Lander esq."