Hyatt Regency, Birmingham

I was unnecessarily excited at a response from the Fitzwilliam this week, as illustrated here.

Message from the Fitzwilliam, Dublin

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you so much for our email we would love to make your stay as memorable as possible with us, can I ask it the trip for a special occasion.

Can I please also confirm the name the room is reserve under and I will have a look into your requests?

Looking forward to speaking with you soon,

Kind regards,

*** ***"

The signs were there; they're only interested in people who have already booked yet I failed to notice and sent back a suitable reply.

Message to the Fitzwilliam, Dublin

"Dear ***,

Thank you for your prompt reply. Currently we are looking at arriving towards the end of April, however as I will be bringing Pete on this occasion I cannot confirm the dates completely as he's as reliable as a Datsun before they changed their name to hide such. I will be sure to confirm this with you as soon as we are certain of our stay but at this moment I was simply ascertaining your ability to provide such a luxury item. As should be clear by now, the fact I am bringing along our resident village idiot should confirm it is more of a business trip than a special occasion.

I realise there may be a few issues with resealing the original wrapping so I will be sure to give you plenty of advance notice but if I could get details on pricing I would be most grateful. If you need to practise the art before our arrival then the nickname I use for my wife is "Special Honeybear II" and this is the lettering I would be requiring.

Thanks again for getting in touch, I look forward to seeing your work.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

I have heard nothing since and have been left heartbroken and untouched. As ever I moved on this week to a place that offers free Wi-fi, 'me' time and no booking fees, the latter making me a bit sceptical about their facilities.

Message to the Hyatt Regency, Birmingham

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I noted with interest your low room rates and no booking fees but, far from making me lift the phone to text in my request, it made me wonder how you keep the lower classes out of your building. I'm all for equality between fellow men but I draw the line at having to listen to a group of rat-bottomed teenagers 'getting jiggy' in preparation for a 'gig' with their 'home boys' and children of mothers who refuse to wipe that awful green river from the faces of their 'little darlings' (brats).

Should I wish to stay with your wonderful staff would there be any consideration for my wishes? I would rather sleep beneath the repetitive clunking of a successful businessman using a treadmill as he makes another fine deal for himself than have to suffer groups of people who have to share rooms in order to get their one holiday a year. I hope this doesn't make me sound like a snob as I regularly give my spare change to the individuals with the tins outside supermarkets but I have my thoughts and I will stick by them.

I hope you will be able to alleviate my concerns and look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

I imagine there are people with these opinions out there but would like to stress, for the record, I am not one of them. Live and let live is my motto (that I stole from someone else).