Drake's Hotel, Brighton

I was stunned during the week to find a reply from Rudding Park...

Message from Rudding Park Hotel, Harrogate

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your e-mail. At Rudding Park we endeavour to meet any of our guests requests and strive for total guest satisfaction, prioritising our guests needs is the key to our success.

As such we would be delighted to provide any literature for your stay, be it Irvine Welsh's 'Trainspotting', Oscar Wilde’s ‘Complete Works’ or ‘The Illustrated Complete Works of Shakespeare’, simply let us know and we will arrange anything for you.

As an enthusiast of the written word you’ll also be pleased to know, not only do we have one, but three libraries on the Rudding Estate, but again if its Irvine Welsh’s ‘Trainspotting’ you would prefer just let us know. Alternatively, or as well as, the film adaptation directed by Danny Boyle can also be provided.

Please don’t hesitate to contact us when you would like to make a reservation and we would be delighted to pass on any details to our reservations team of any special requests.

We look forward to hear from you.

Kind Regards

*** ***"

This is a great advert for their service. I responded thusly.

Message to Rudding Park Hotel, Harrogate

"Dear ***,

Thank you for your wonderful response and the timely manner in which it was received. Your three library arrangement is indeed very impressive yet your commitment towards the happiness of your guests is the most welcoming part of your communication.

I shall be sure to ask for you by name when my accommodation needs are confirmed and I look forward to staying with you. I shall ensure I book the right media to coincide with the length of my stay as, although I love to indulge in an authored work, a weekend break may necessitate the moving pictures of the emergence from a latrine and your assurance of the availability of such is both kind and thoughtful.

I would like to thank you once again for your response and wish you all the best in the interim. May your business thrive and your rooms consistently fill to bursting.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

I know where I'm going if I ever get a helicopter. This week I decided to find somewhere to park my jetski.

Message to Drake's Hotel, Brighton

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am a bit confused as to your exact location and wish to confirm before making my reservation. The last establishment I attended was quite some way inland and this led to a rather unfortunate two day excursion that I wish to avoid if at all possible.

Is your hotel particularly close to the sea? I like to arrive by jetski to give myself the best chance of a unique entrance and was quite hoping I could park my transport at a convenient distance to your front door. My belongings will arrive by limousine of course, I have Jenkins for such, but the time of year isn't right for a 48 hour wetsuit clad walk through no man's land.

I would like to take the opportunity to thank you in advance for providing your location information and look forward to staying with you soon.

Kind regards,

T. Lander esq."