Summer Lodge Hotel, Evershot

I was a bit disappointed by the response from the Hyatt Regency. Clearly they didn't pick up on my 'nod, nod, wink, wink, put me at the other side of the hotel' suggestion. Either that or they realise that I would fit in much better with the screaming children than the clientele I was pretending to be.

Message from the Hyatt Regency, Birmingham

"Dear Guest,

As per your email I can confirm that we welcome all our guests equally. Due to our location in close proximity to the main bars and clubs area of Birmingham we do have guests who enjoy the clubbing scene of Birmingham. Also, families with babies and children are also welcome. I hope this clears your concerns.

Kind Regards

*** ***"

I didn't reply this time as it's difficult to budge proprietary types from their equal opportunities positions. Instead I turned my attention to the next hotel.

Message to the Summer Lodge Hotel, Evershot

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Picture this: It's June 2015. There is chaos on the streets of Dorset as the Martians have landed and are looking to probe anything they come across. Sausage and chips are off the menu due to their phallic nature and panic is the only response anybody knows. I have decided to stay at your excellent hotel but they have come through the front doors and are looking to enter me.

Worse than that, I have brought my family along. My wife is in bits and my poodle has gone cross-eyed at the suggestions from the invaders. My question is this - do you have a bomb shelter or attic space where I can take my beloved guests?

I realise the rate of martian attack in Dorset is quite low (yet something you have failed to pick up on for your advertisements) yet the same can be said for golf balls to the head and this has actually happened to my uncle.

I hope you can allay my concerns and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."