Pen-y-Dyffryn, Oswestry

The good people of the West Highlands have no interest in lying to my wife. This is good as it shows they're honest, civil members of society, however it does mean I'll have to go elsewhere for snow in June.

This week I'm back to blagging free accommodation, although I decided not to mess with their room calendars for once. 

Message to the Pen-y-Dyffryn, Oswestry

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I have been studying your website for the week now and I am fascinated by your grounds and hotel. If it were a Facebook profile you would have blocked me well before now. Bravo!

I am looking to stay within the area next month and am trying to fit so much into such a tight budget. I would never ask for a discount on a room as that would be like asking a beautiful young lady to leave her hair at home; rather, I have purchased a tent and am wondering if I may erect such within your grounds so that I can take them in personally.

Many thanks for taking the time to read this, I hope you will grant my wish and I can finally lose my Pen-y-dyffryn virginity.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Glencoe House, West Highlands

This has to be the best response ever.

Message from Chewton Glen, New Forest

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your email sent in to our Reservations department.  Your email made us all smile!

The wonderful designers from Blue Forest created our wonderful treehouses along the valley at Chewton Glen  http://www.blueforest.com

Good luck with your new construction in the tree tops!

Kind regards,

*** ***

Chewton Glen Hotel & Spa

New Forest

Hampshire 

BH25 6QS"

I was flattered; I've never made anyone smile before. I left it there, built some treehouses and moved on to my next location.

Message to Glencoe House, West Highlands

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I may have misjudged a joke I made to my wife and I'm in a bit of a bind. I suggested that, due to your location in the Highlands, there is always snow in and around your area. Now we are very close to visiting I'm in a position that, without your help, may result in either divorce or no meals for a week, both of which are likely to see me off.

I was rather hoping you could set up a snow machine to give the effect I promised, perhaps one of the Hollywood sizes to cover the area. My wife has no interest in snowball fights or snowmen so I'm certain the foam effect would satisfy her need for frozen water mirages. If you could do this I would be happy to recommend you to friends and family.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and thanks in advance for your efforts on the illusion.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Chewton Glen, New Forest

Sometimes rejection can have a positive outcome.

Message from Kilworth House Hotel, North Kilworth

"Dear Mr Lander

Thank you for your email of 7th June which has been passed to me for attention.

As a regional producing house we neither take in touring shows or hire out our theatre to other producers / theatre companies I’m afraid.

I would like to thank you for your interest in our venue and hope you find a suitable alternative for your shows.

Yours sincerely,

*** ***

Theatre Administrator"

Message to Kilworth House Hotel, North Kilworth

"Dear ***,

Many thanks for your kind response, although it was not the best news you certainly delivered it in an amicable way. You were probably right to dissuade my writing habit as it seems to be therapy for my experience as an actor which is no reason to take it up. I won't bore you with the details, however I currently hold a certificate for being the fourth best Wise Man in my school nativity. Forty years later and the pain still surrounds me.

Alas, this is not a vain attempt to get my frankly awful show into your hands. I have just re-read the script for the first time, a rookie mistake, and have realised that one of the characters changes halfway through, both in name and in characterisation. It may be that I have added another character entirely but my lack of memory to such suggests not.

I wish you all the very best with your future shows and hope there are many legs broken. I would like to thank you again for taking the time to write to me.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

It takes a lot to shatter my dreams and I'm not going to let a little thing like complete and total failure get in the way of my goals.

Message to Chewton Glen, New Forest

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am intrigued by your tree houses. I tried to build one for my children in a young tree that shadows our garden only to watch the whole thing come down in a horrific mess of wood, nails and childrens' bones. The hospital said that they were both lucky not to have sustained worse injuries and I am now looking for somebody to build a more suitable structure as I feel it is important to get them back into the trees as soon as possible.

May I ask who was responsible for the design and construction of your fine rooms? I promise not to share this information over the internet for others to witness as I realise how important discretion is. Should you wish I would be happy to travel up to accept plans face-to-face as long as you're happy for me to kip in my car for the evening.

Many thanks in advance; I like my eggs soft and sunny side up <winky face emoticon/>

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Kilworth House Hotel, North Kilworth

Some people are obsessed with reservation numbers.

Message from Congham Hall Hotel, Kings Lynn

"Dear Mr Lander

Thank you for your email.

Could you please advise us of your booking reference in order to help you further.

Kind regards

Hotel Riviera Reception"

Message to Congham Hall Hotel, Kings Lynn

"Dear Reception,

Thank you for your fast response. I haven't yet made my booking but am looking at late June provided my cousin brings back the bike trailer I lent him. If it goes the same way as my lawnmower I may have to take severe action but I'm sincerely hoping it won't come to that.

I'm looking forward to staying with you and thank you for granting permission for me to bring my bike indoors.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

I heard nothing back after this and I considered making a booking to get a reservation number so they would take me seriously. They wanted money to do that! Unbelievable.

I moved on with a heavy heart and an extra padlock on my wallet.

Message to Kilworth House Hotel, North Kilworth

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I noticed that you have two of my least favourite films coming to your establishment as musical theatre. How my heart leapt to see the sight! Does this mean that your staff put on shows to suit the tastes of your guests or do travelling theatres pitch up and entertain following a future guest survey?

My reason for asking is that I would love to put on a theatre production in your hotel yet I have very different tastes to those currently staying with you. Would I be allowed to rehearse and finally show my stage versions of Trainspotting or Deathproof on your fine boards?

I realise these are not to everyone's tastes but the promise of a stage adapted Tarantino may open the doors to new clientele for you all. I hope this will be an option you consider.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."