Kilworth House Hotel, North Kilworth

Some people are obsessed with reservation numbers.

Message from Congham Hall Hotel, Kings Lynn

"Dear Mr Lander

Thank you for your email.

Could you please advise us of your booking reference in order to help you further.

Kind regards

Hotel Riviera Reception"

Message to Congham Hall Hotel, Kings Lynn

"Dear Reception,

Thank you for your fast response. I haven't yet made my booking but am looking at late June provided my cousin brings back the bike trailer I lent him. If it goes the same way as my lawnmower I may have to take severe action but I'm sincerely hoping it won't come to that.

I'm looking forward to staying with you and thank you for granting permission for me to bring my bike indoors.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

I heard nothing back after this and I considered making a booking to get a reservation number so they would take me seriously. They wanted money to do that! Unbelievable.

I moved on with a heavy heart and an extra padlock on my wallet.

Message to Kilworth House Hotel, North Kilworth

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I noticed that you have two of my least favourite films coming to your establishment as musical theatre. How my heart leapt to see the sight! Does this mean that your staff put on shows to suit the tastes of your guests or do travelling theatres pitch up and entertain following a future guest survey?

My reason for asking is that I would love to put on a theatre production in your hotel yet I have very different tastes to those currently staying with you. Would I be allowed to rehearse and finally show my stage versions of Trainspotting or Deathproof on your fine boards?

I realise these are not to everyone's tastes but the promise of a stage adapted Tarantino may open the doors to new clientele for you all. I hope this will be an option you consider.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."