Chewton Glen, New Forest

Sometimes rejection can have a positive outcome.

Message from Kilworth House Hotel, North Kilworth

"Dear Mr Lander

Thank you for your email of 7th June which has been passed to me for attention.

As a regional producing house we neither take in touring shows or hire out our theatre to other producers / theatre companies I’m afraid.

I would like to thank you for your interest in our venue and hope you find a suitable alternative for your shows.

Yours sincerely,

*** ***

Theatre Administrator"

Message to Kilworth House Hotel, North Kilworth

"Dear ***,

Many thanks for your kind response, although it was not the best news you certainly delivered it in an amicable way. You were probably right to dissuade my writing habit as it seems to be therapy for my experience as an actor which is no reason to take it up. I won't bore you with the details, however I currently hold a certificate for being the fourth best Wise Man in my school nativity. Forty years later and the pain still surrounds me.

Alas, this is not a vain attempt to get my frankly awful show into your hands. I have just re-read the script for the first time, a rookie mistake, and have realised that one of the characters changes halfway through, both in name and in characterisation. It may be that I have added another character entirely but my lack of memory to such suggests not.

I wish you all the very best with your future shows and hope there are many legs broken. I would like to thank you again for taking the time to write to me.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

It takes a lot to shatter my dreams and I'm not going to let a little thing like complete and total failure get in the way of my goals.

Message to Chewton Glen, New Forest

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am intrigued by your tree houses. I tried to build one for my children in a young tree that shadows our garden only to watch the whole thing come down in a horrific mess of wood, nails and childrens' bones. The hospital said that they were both lucky not to have sustained worse injuries and I am now looking for somebody to build a more suitable structure as I feel it is important to get them back into the trees as soon as possible.

May I ask who was responsible for the design and construction of your fine rooms? I promise not to share this information over the internet for others to witness as I realise how important discretion is. Should you wish I would be happy to travel up to accept plans face-to-face as long as you're happy for me to kip in my car for the evening.

Many thanks in advance; I like my eggs soft and sunny side up <winky face emoticon/>

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."