The Kings Arms, Temple Sowerby

Damn the law in this Country, keeping our privacy safe (for now).

Message from The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

“Dear Mr Lander

Further to your recent email, due to the data protection act we are unable to pass on information of guests who have stayed in the hotel.

You may however find the following article, about The Royal Hotel's history, answers your queries.

http://www.redfunnel.co.uk/my-isle-of-wight/features/jewel-in-the-island%E2%80%99s-crown-%E2%80%93-the-royal-hotel-in-ventnor/.

If we can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Kind regards

Reservations”

Message to The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

“Dear All,

Many thanks for your informative and prompt reply. Do you have any information as to when the Data Protection Act lapses and the Freedom of Information Act takes over for this subject? I realise I'm stepping on your right to privacy with my right to free speech but this world is so full of paradoxes. Your revelation of Robert Plant makes me think you may drip feed me further celebrities in the future but I realise my patience is most likely to bring reward so I will desist from my badgering (which makes me think Brian May).

I have been to the Isle of Wight before but the occasion was blighted with glass in my foot, being too young to drink and the death of our own Princess Diana. I hope to return to at least spend a week without another royal death, although one cannot plan for these things I realise.

Many thanks again and I look forward to the possibility of, but not the definite eventuality of, a further reply. Perhaps just a Daphne and Celeste or Gina G will keep me going for now?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

Ominously there was no return. I think we all know what that means. Onward.

Message to The Kings Arms, Temple Sowerby

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

There is a photo on the main header of your website featuring a gentleman in a white shirt, a young man in white and a lady in a purple shirt. While their attire is nothing to put potential visitors off their stance is; what I mean is that they look like they are leaving despite having no dinnerware, making me think they've received slow service or arrived on a day when the kitchen was closed. As a hungry individual I wish to be given the impression that the kitchen never closes despite my realisation of the contrary.

I am willing to put myself and my family forward to be models in a replacement shot of the same image as the beautiful scenery and charming weather really make me want to visit your fine hotel. For this we would simply need travel and accommodation due to the fact that we are not professional models and I believe my children, as good as they are, may need some direction.

I am more than happy to help with this, please do not send any gifts of thanks. I look forward to receiving your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

Ah, but we already knew that.

Message from Lower Slaughter Manor, Lower Slaughter

“Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your email. I am afraid the gremlins seem to have been at work, as the property is called Lower Slaughter Manor rather than Lowers Laughter Manor.

Please find attached a copy of the hotel history, which details where the name came from.

We are delighted that we provided you with a few moment's enjoyment, and hope to welcome you to Lower Slaughter Manor soon.

With kind regards,

*** ***

Front of House Manager”

Message to Lower Slaughter Manor, Lower Slaughter

“Hello ***,

I hope you don't mind me saying but the difference between Lowers Laughter and Lower Slaughter has quite taken me aback.

The good news is that the information you sent me has settled my nerves somewhat and I am intrigued about your delightful property. I am sure I will visit you very soon.

I apologise for my failing eyes, I can see now where the error has occurred. I wish you all the best.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

The information they sent me about the hotel is quite interesting and so I will copy it to the bottom of this post. Meanwhile...

Message to The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was perusing the history of your hotel and can find no reference to royalty whatsoever. It left me pondering; should I wish to stay with you, would I have a chance to bump into Prince Charles and his dear mother or not?

Should this not be the case I would be interested in a list of celebrities who have stayed in your rooms before, although this is mainly so I can avoid the Ant and Dec types. I have no qualms about people from the North East but their quirky mannerisms would have me on guard all weekend.

Thank you in advance,

T. Lander, esq."

A history of Lower Slaughter Manor

The name Lower Slaughter does not recall some fearful bygone carnage as might be supposed. It is said to originate from the name of a Norman Knight, Philip de Sloitre, who was granted land in the area by William the Conqueror. The name proved too much of a “tongue twister” for the peasants who corrupted it to ‘slaughter’, though some say it derives from an Anglo-Saxon word, meaning ‘muddy or watery place’. The first written record is in The Doomsday Book where the name is spelt “Sclostre”.

The history of the Manor dates back nearly 1000 years and it is known that a Manor house stood on the site before the Conquest, even as early as 1004 A.D.

In 1443, the Manor became a convent housing nuns from the order Syon when the order was granted the land. The two storey dovecote that still stands in the grounds is said to have supplied the nuns with nourishment.

Some 100 years or so later, after King Henry VIII’s break with Rome in 1543 and the subsequent dissolution of the monasteries, the Manor was returned to the crown in 1603, during the reign of King James I. The Manor was granted in 1611 to Sir George Whitmore, High Sheriff of Gloucestershire and remained in the family until 1964. In 1655, Sir George’s son contracted Valentine Strong to build a house at Lower Slaughter “for the sum of £200.00.00d in lawful English money”. Valentine Strong was a very important stonemason of his time, and was stated to be of national importance. His son, Thomas was the principal contractor employed by Sir Christopher Wren in the building of St Paul’s Cathedral.

Although much altered by later generations, the house retains some interior fittings, one being the stone fireplace in the lounge dated 1658. The Drawing Room and Panel Room both have splendid ceilings, contemporary with the building, enriched with medallions of fruit, flowers and figures of angelic females and birds.

To the side of the Manor stands the very unusual stable block, dated 1770, which hosts a fine central clock tower. A small addition was made to the east of the building in 1864 and in 1891, a larger wing was added on the east side as well as a gazebo window on the staircase landing, overlooking the gardens to the north.

The house was built on a high basement and in one of the basement rooms, now used as our pastry kitchen, is a mural inscription which reads:

A good character is valuable to everyone, but especially to servants. For it is their bread and butter and without it they cannot be admitted a creditable family, and happy it is that the best of characters is in everyone’s power to deserve”

Richard White 1771

Lower Slaughter Manor, Lower Slaughter

The guys at the Radisson Blu weren't interested in giving me some of their glass but I've since realised I can buy a frame and throw away the wood to achieve the same effect. I have been strutting around the house in victory since my discovery.

This week's hotel have picked a particularly repulsive name based on their location. Whoops. There is plenty of room for misinterpretation, though.

Message to Lower Slaughter Manor, Lower Slaughter

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Some people really get their names wrong when establishing hotels, such as the Cotswold 88 who are changing to The Painswick very shortly. PAINswick! Who in their right mind wants to book at a hotel where your first thought is 'ouch'?

I was so glad to come across your hotel when searching for places to stay in the area. Please, how did you come up with the name Lowers Laughter Manor? It's veritably delightful! I have made a note in my diary to book as soon as I stop chuckling at the thought of the pleasantries we shall share on my arrival.

I look forward to your reply and insist you continue with the merriment!

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Radisson Blu Hotel, Stansted

Some receptionists are not tolerant to persistence, it seems.

Message from the Pen-Y-Dyffryn, Oswestry

"Dear Terry,

I am sorry but we are unable to offer any facilities for camping in our grounds, thank you for your interest,

***"

Message to the Pen-Y-Dyffryn, Oswestry

"Hi ***

Thank you for your fast response. It wouldn't be camping so much as I would have a large television set, my laptop and a small fridge for my Perrier, which reminds me - I would need an electrical hook up. Would this be possible?

I promise I wouldn't be any bother. I have a small chemical latrine and would leave the area as I found it. You could pick up your lead in the morning.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Message from the Pen-Y-Dyffryn, Oswestry

"Dear Terry,

I’m sorry but that’s not going to be possible at Pen y Dyffryn.  We don’t have anywhere to pitch a tent or access to power outside of the hotel building.

I do hope you find somewhere suitable soon.

Regards

***"

This week I've tried to highlight the best feature of this week's hotel, which isn't something to be overlooked. You can look through it.

Message to the Radisson Blu Hotel, Stansted

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

On a recent visit to your hotel I was astounded by just how much glass you have in the front of the building. So much glass. Bravo.

I was recently afforded a trip to Wembley Stadium where I was presented with a cutting of the turf for my personal museum. With this in mind I was wondering if I could add to this with a 500mm x 500mm cutting of the glass from the front of your building? My stay with you was so valuable to my life that I would do most anything for a momento and a photo of the hotel just won't cut it.

I hope you will consider my heartfelt request and look forward to your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."