Wivenhoe House, Colchester

I've well and truly lost sight of the doner van. Life's so unfair sometimes.

Message to Wivenhoe House, Colchester

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I notice from your site map that you have a campus nearby for Essex University students; with this in mind I would like to ask if you have many pranks or unsavoury activities affecting the guests of your hotel?

I once stayed in a Russian hotel that was mere feet from a community college and the antics of the students were enough to make my poor wife blush. I saw underwear on more than one occasion and a young man was almost sick on my brand new shoes. We passed a large group on one occasion and, although I couldn't understand what they were saying, it sounded derogatory and boorish.

Many thanks in advance for this information, I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Château Rhianfa, Beaumaris

Does anyone know how I can find out if the Acacia overlooks the ground? I want to be truly and completely landlocked yet they refuse to reveal whether this is possible.

Message to the Château Rhianfa, Beaumaris

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was passing your unique venue last week and had the most pleasant dining experience I can remember for a long time. Unfortunately I have tried to recreate the dish in my own abode yet my experimentation has come to nothing. I am looking to treat my wife and wish to perfect the dish as soon as possible.

I believe our order consisted of a lamb shish as I was told specifically not to order the doner due to the vast chasm of quality difference. The van was parked around 100 yards from the entrance to your grounds and I would relish an opportunity to discuss the preparation with the owner to allow me access to such a divine meal from the comfort of my own home.

Many thanks in advance for any help you can offer at this time. 

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Acacia Boutique, Douglas

We're all set for a trip to the Hotel Gotham as soon as they reply to my reply.

Message from the Hotel Gotham, Manchester

"Hi Terry,

Thank you for your recent email.

Which date were you looking to book for?

Thanks

*** ***

Reservations Manager"

Message to the Hotel Gotham, Manchester

"Hi ***

That would depend greatly on the discount. Naturally, fighting crime is a low paying vocation and I have to subsidise this with removing the dark side from dishes at weekends. My availability is high during the week as I can record Doctors and I imagine this would suit your off peak times, although I don't wish to invite myself to your house as such.

I look forward to matching times with you and thank you for such a fast response.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Great news! Meanwhile...

Message to Acacia Boutique, Douglas

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

After careful consideration of your website I am now keen to know if you have any rooms that don't overlook the sea. I realise this is a popular trap for tourists but there is nothing worse in my opinion than waking up and feeling like you're trapped in a boat.

In fact I would be willing to pay more for a room that overlooks a firm, solid field. Is this possible at all? I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Hotel Gotham, Manchester

I don't mind hotels not wanting to use my supermarket points but they could at least reply and let me know what offers they are likely to accept. I have a coupon here for washing powder from a magazine that's worth 50p.

This week I am going to attempt to write to Gotham without mentioning the B word.

Message to the Hotel Gotham, Manchester

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I have been perusing your website but I couldn't find any information on discounts for celebrities. Despite the fact you may not have heard of me I regularly walk the streets looking to make the city safer and have received award upon award for my tireless efforts. I don't need a pat on the back, just a few pounds off.

I realise you may need some proof but I would be humbled and honoured if you were to take my word. You may recognise my eyes if that helps. I look forward to staying with you.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.

P.S. I'M THE BATMAN"

Ah, damn it.

Corinthia Hotel, London

There's no way The Kings Arms are happy with their header photo but a lack of response means they've blown their chance of a replacement.

Message to Corinthia Hotel, London

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was perusing your website and noticed your loyalty scheme. I must put forward my delight at the thought of a hotel as prestigious as yours rewarding customers for returning to yourselves.

I do have one small enquiry; I have a number of supermarket loyalty cards and was hoping you would consider using those as part payment towards a night in your hotel. While I am certain airmiles would be as useful to you as as a tortoise based transport system I see no reason why cash savings at popular supermarkets wouldn't be appealing.

I look forward to hearing the exchange rate for such items and have my diary to hand for your response.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."