The Merchant Hotel, Belfast

I've had quite the busy week.

Message from The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your email and I am delighted your guest is considering staying at The Grove.

In order to provide availability and prices, please may you advise if there are any dates that I can check for you?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

*** ***

Resort Reservations Agent

THE GROVE | Chandler’s Cross Hertfordshire WD3 4TG

Telephone: +44 (0)1923 296010 | www.thegrove.co.uk"

How could I say no?

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear ***,

Thank you most kindly for your fast response. I can confirm that the President would most likely be visiting on the 11th of December which is a Friday; if we were able to start from there I would be most grateful.

I hate to sound like a pawn in his game but his reasons for going through me are hopefully fairly obvious by now. His stay could possibly enhance the reputation of your establishment and he will be happy to pose for a photo for your wall. 

I'm certain he will endure a good 'knight' with you all from the images on your website!

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

They were under no illusions. They've clearly dealt with this before. Pros.

Message from The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your reply.

I am pleased to confirm the current availability for the Presidential Suite on Friday 11^th December for one night only. This is available again from Monday 14^th December for 2 nights, and then again from Thursday 17^thDecember for much longer duration. Please may you advise how long the guest is looking to stay with us here at the hotel and I will be delighted to confirm the prices.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

*** ***

Resort Reservations Agent

THE GROVE | Chandler’s Cross Hertfordshire WD3 4TG

Telephone: +44 (0)1923 296010 | www.thegrove.co.uk"

The thought of finding out prices made my fingers prick up.

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

“Dear ***,

That is fantastic news. He is looking at one night only and it would be handy to know if you have room for his transport, Ground Force One. It's only a Hummer H2 but will require two parking spaces in my honest opinion.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

Message from The Grove, Chandler's Cross

“Dear Mr Lander,

We will certainly have plenty of space for the transport for the guest. Additionally we can also offer the Presidential Suite at the rate of [£BASICALLY A FOUR FIGURE SUM] per night inclusive of breakfast and vat.

Please do let me know if you would like to proceed with the reservation or if I can provide any further information and I will be more than happy to assist.

Kind regards,

*** ***

Resort Reservations Agent

THE GROVE | Chandler’s Cross Hertfordshire WD3 4TG

Telephone: +44 (0)1923 296010 | www.thegrove.co.uk”

They forced my hand at this point and I had to back down. Gutted. It's a good job I'm not one of those people who feels bad and goes through with the transaction to save face, though.

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

“Dear ***,

Many thanks for the details. I shall pass the information on to the president of the chess club and get back to you should we wish to proceed.

Once again I would like to thank you for your professional and timely assistance.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

Well played, The Grove. How do I follow that?

Message to The Merchant Hotel, Belfast

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am loathe to enquire due to the nature of the artifact but it appears my wife and I may have left something in our room last weekend. Unfortunately I don't remember the room number, however the offending article would be obvious were it handed in.

It is very personal to us and I would very much like to have it back if possible. It is long, has a generous girth and is a pink/purple hue. Should it not have been handed in I would not recommend touching the item without gloves as it may not be completely hygienic.

I apologise in advance but hope you can help with the return of our item.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The Grove, Chandler's Cross

I've sent a scout to check out Davies. Says he's alright. Not good enough for me, I need to hear it from the horse's mouth.

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am writing to enquire about the availability of your presidential suite in January. I am acting on behalf of an individual who is looking to stay with you but cannot book his own accommodation for security reasons.

Although I am unable to reveal his identity I can confirm that he is unique in his position, has been a big hit with the people he looks after and speaks with an American accent as he hails from Hawaii; needless to say the presidential suite is the only one he will consider.

I look forward to crossing diaries with you and thank you in advance for your time.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Shibden Mill Inn, Halifax

Noise meditation is off. If you applied to be part of our life changing group I'm afraid you will be very disappointed. More importantly there are no refunds, please do not embarrass our staff by asking for one.

I wondered whether the tone of my previous posts might have put recipients off replying to me so I've changed up a gear this week. Don't panic, I'll be back to my normal self next week.

Message to the Shibden Mill Inn, Halifax

"Yo,

I see you've got Roger Davies on the bill. Is he any good? I've just scored a scud load of cash from my aunt and thought I'd blow it all on a night out. Your gaff looks top.

I'd appreciate your honesty in this, if you've seen him and he doesn't tell any decent jokes about scooting round other people's houses at night then I'd probably not like him. Don't think you're missing out, I'll still give you a nose around but I'll pick a time when there's someone else on.

Cheers and gone,

Big T”

Church Farm Barns, Stratford-Upon-Avon

The owners of the Duke of Wellington are so embarrassed about how early they put up their decorations that they have refused to get back to me, suggesting they're already up. Shudder.

This week I'm going to the birthplace of the inventor of words himself, William Shakespeare. Don't panic, I know he didn't invent words as such, but he did coin some new terms such as fashionable, tranquil and birthplace. Why am I telling you this?

Message to Church Farm Barns, Stratford-Upon-Avon

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My wife and I have recently established a new group designed to combine both meditation and noise therapy. Our bunch of noisy meditators are looking for a location for an inaugural get-together and loved the look of your accommodation.

I was wondering if we could practise, undisturbed, within your beautiful grounds? There is nothing worse while one is wailing and meditating than having football fans wandering past and chanting about the cup or what have you.

Many thanks for taking the time to read this, I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Duke of Wellington, Newton

A lack of response from Ellenborough Park makes me think they are very happy with their prices. I didn't want a massive reduction, even points on a loyalty card would have sufficed, but I shall take my hundred pounds and spend it on scones elsewhere. This raises another point - would anyone like any scones?

Message to the Duke of Wellington, Newton

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My wife and I are looking for a suitable location for a winter get together around the area of your establishment and I am writing to enquire as to whether you are likely to have Christmas decorations littering your ceilings towards the end of November.

I can tolerate children running around and singing 'Jingle Bells' as they push their sibling's head into a fountain but I feel this month is much to early to be forcing guests to increase their frivolity and I strongly feel that tinsel and ceiling decorations are designed to do just that.

I hope I am not projecting an image of Scrooge here as I once spent an entire Christmas party with my underwear on the outside of my suit as we strode between public houses, however that was on the 15th of December and well into what I like to call 'the Christmas Zone'.

I look forward to your reassurance.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."