The Ritz, London

Massive thanks to everyone who has tuned in at some point to this blog over the last year. As Nelly Furtado said, "All good things come to an end"* and this is the last post for Rooms for Improvement.

Alas, dear reader, we all knew it was destined to end like this.

Message to The Ritz, London

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Please accept this email as confirmation that I would like to be considered for your next free prize draw. Should I win I may be contacted using this address.

I would very much like you to bear in mind that my poor wife has not been offered so much as a discount over the course of the past twelve months and I would hate to look like the kind of gentleman who does not live up to promises. Many thanks for your consideration and your possible complimentary hospitality (humble nod).

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Thanks to you all again once more, it's been great fun but my services are now required over at http://ratethestates.blogspot.co.uk/ - to keep up to date with who lives in the best state in the US please use the 'follow by email' button in the top, right hand corner.

I look forward to seeing you all again...

*Nelly Furtado actually asked, "Why do all good things come to an end?" but it's interesting to see how people manipulate quotes to suit their own needs.

Kilcamb Lodge, Argyll

Excellent news for future patrons of Rowhill Grange.

Message from Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Dear T. Lander,

 Thank you for your enquiry,

 I can assure you that the shells you see in the photo are for decorative purposes only.

 Kind Regards,

 ***
 

 Rowhill Grange Hotel Reception

 Hotel Reception Team

 Rowhill Grange Hotel & Utopia Spa

 mailto:rghotel@alexanderhotels.com ¦ 01322 615136

 http://www.rowhillgrange.co.uk "

Message to Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Many thanks, ***. So to confirm, your fine hotel still employs the use of toilet paper?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Message from Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Dear Mr Lander,

Yes I can confirm that we have toilet paper at the hotel.

Kind Regards,

***

  

Rowhill Grange Hotel Reception

Hotel Reception Team

Rowhill Grange Hotel & Utopia Spa

rghotel@alexanderhotels.com ¦ 01322 615136

www.rowhillgrange.co.uk"

Message to Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Thank you again ***, that's a relief."

I'm not certain how long their policy of using paper will last for so if you're planning on visiting in the next couple of years it still may be worth taking your own.

Message to Kilcamb Lodge, Argyll

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I bought my family a Christmas experience in that I acquired a snow machine, only to find that it is a bubble machine with a sock attached to the front. The product it ejects is neither cold nor delicious and I'm almost certain that our case of loose bowels last weekend is down to our consumption of the product.

I am looking for a hotel that offers real snow and was wondering if you are experiencing this yet? I am quite willing to pay extra, particularly if you have acquaintances who may be looking to buy a snow machine. I would suggest that you advise them never to eat artificial snow, however.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Rowhill Grange, Kent

I was more than a little hoping that the Magdalen Chapter would have returned my mail as overattending events is what I do best. At least if I'm at home the surroundings are familiar as I re-enjoy breakfast, I guess.

Message to Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

One of the pictures on your website depicts a luxurious looking bath with all the trimmings one might desire to relax in comfort. However, I notice on the footboard (?) of the bath are three seashells held on their own individual stands.

I was a huge fan of the film Demolition Man when it was released but I did not realise that some of the futuristic events were based on real life. When the officers joke about Mr. Stallone being unaware of how to use the three seashells I genuinely took this to be a piece of science fiction yet it now appears that I am in the same position.

Do you offer an instruction leaflet for the devices or is it a simple procedure that you believe I will pick up naturally?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

For those who haven't seen Demolition Man, the three seashells replace toilet paper. For those who think I'm making this up:

The Magdalen Chapter, Exeter

It looks like I'm not getting my premium sausage back. Uncle Frank will be disappointed but not nearly as much as my wife - she was looking forward to that sausage.

Message to The Magdalen Chapter, Exeter

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am very interested in your cocktail events, however the last time I indulged in such it took a team of paramedics to pump my stomach and I lost three days of good, solid work which impacted on me financially.

As my wife will be unable to attend would you be able to supply a sponsor to support me during the event and to prevent me from 'overattending' your event? I'm not dependent, I simply have difficulty gauging my behaviour from time to time.

I hope you will be able to supply such a mentor and I look forward to sensibly enjoying the beverages on offer.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."