Congham Hall Hotel, Kings Lynn

I think it was the words 'imminent stay' that provoked a response from the first hotel. Whether that's true or not, I'm starting to wish I'd kept some sort of record of whether I had a response or not and had awarded myself points towards some kind of competition.

Regardless, I've found a handsome little place in Norfolk this week and have decided to take a look at their linen. A slippery bed is a happy bed.

Message to Congham Hall Hotel, Kings Lynn

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am due to stay with you shortly and have realised my biblical blunder. I regularly visit establishments such as yours and endeavour to acquire silk sheets and coverings where possible as I find cotton to be too rough on my delicate skin. Were I to spend a night on such I can only imagine the horrors bestowed on my body should an item so small as a pea fall between the mattress and the bed frame; I have awoken in a cold sweat before now at the thought of a brussels sprout making the same journey.

Do you supply such garments for the dressing of the bed or should I make arrangements to transport or re-purchase my own? Personally I am of the opinion that silk should be everywhere in a room and the application of such would no doubt do wonders for your business.

I look forward to your reply and apologise for the image of myself in the altogether perspiring with vegetables on my mind.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The St David's Hotel & Spa, Cardiff

No message again this week, I think they think I'm some blogger trying to take the mick. Tch, as if.

This week I have reverted to my simple ways and stuck with chocolate. If they don't take on my idea this time they're more daft than I am.

Message to The St David's Hotel & Spa, Cardiff

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Everyone is trying to be the new Banksy. This makes walls prolific with paint runs and unfunny satire. What we need to do is to go back in time, take an idea and improve on it. The ambassador knew how to serve Ferrero Rochers in the day, however I have come up with a 21st Century solution for getting gold wrapped individual nut cases into guests' orifices.

I have attached a photo of my idea as I realise explaining it would be technical and may waste a lot of your time. I hope you will be willing to take my idea on board and only ask for a small percentage of your first year's takings for such.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for taking the time to humour me on this occasion and look forward to your response. Negotiations are for later dates; to know you are considering my idea would be an achievement in my mother's eyes.

Kind Regards,

T. Lander esq."

Malmaison, Newcastle

I had no response from the Holiday Inn and The Nare are clearly keen to remove the orange Smarties for me so I'm back on my own again.

This week I've gone for a hotel in Newcastle to spread the geographical net as far as possible. Fingers crossed they will be able to offer me what I need if I choose to stay there.

Message to Malmaison, Newcastle

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I notice from your website that your establishment provides excellent views of the surrounding features, however I wonder how excellent the views in the swimming pool are? As a country-born individual I like nothing better than watching cows graze while hungry pigs look on, unaware that their meal is but an hour away.

I wonder if a mural of this type exists in your swimming facilities or whether it is something you are considering? Although I realise porcine famine is a terrible thing it can be justified by the knowledge that it will be cured in around sixty minutes (please note that 'cured' is not a pun relating to the pink members of this scenario or their bacony offcuts).

Many thanks for taking the time to read my query, I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander esq."

Holiday Inn, Preston

It seems the hotels are more likely to respond than my brother. This week I had a reply from The Nare and couldn't resist sending a cheeky p.s.

Message from The Nare Hotel, Cornwall

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your email. I wonder if you could let me know your arrival date and contact details, so I call you regarding this matter.

Yours sincerely,

*** ***

Office Manager"

Message to The Nare Hotel, Cornwall

"Dear ***,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I'm currently in Dubai and so phone contact is limited, however I'm assuming you are able to provide the service by your response. I haven't yet booked to stay but I have family in Cornwall and will need to get a ghastly visit to them out of the way soon if possible. I look forward to staying with you and dining on my favourite sugar coated snack. If you could relieve the bowl of any orange coloured individuals I would be most grateful - I'm no Mariah Carey but chocolate orange is the work of the devil.

Kind regards,

T. Lander esq."

This week I have had a request and I don't like to be one to disappoint so I've sent this to the Holiday Inn in Preston and await their reply.

Message to The Holiday Inn, Preston

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

During a recent visit to Dubai I stayed in a hotel where the owners raffle a new piece of art for their guests to win as it keeps the walls fresh after the purchase of new pieces from local artists. As a connoisseur in such things I would like to suggest raffling a new Picasso every week and would love to see the idea implemented during my next stay.

To keep you on your toes I will keep my visit date a secret but look forward to buying a strip and maybe taking home a piece of fine art. Local artists are nice but I find that Banksy a bit much.

Kind regards,

T. Lander esq."