I had no response from the Holiday Inn and The Nare are clearly keen to remove the orange Smarties for me so I'm back on my own again.
This week I've gone for a hotel in Newcastle to spread the geographical net as far as possible. Fingers crossed they will be able to offer me what I need if I choose to stay there.
Message to Malmaison, Newcastle
"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,
I notice from your website that your establishment provides excellent views of the surrounding features, however I wonder how excellent the views in the swimming pool are? As a country-born individual I like nothing better than watching cows graze while hungry pigs look on, unaware that their meal is but an hour away.
I wonder if a mural of this type exists in your swimming facilities or whether it is something you are considering? Although I realise porcine famine is a terrible thing it can be justified by the knowledge that it will be cured in around sixty minutes (please note that 'cured' is not a pun relating to the pink members of this scenario or their bacony offcuts).
Many thanks for taking the time to read my query, I look forward to your reply.
Kind regards,
T. Lander esq."
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