Hotel Riviera, Sidmouth

With no response once more it is fortunate that the chaps and I know how to conduct debauchery without the use of a hotel.

Instead I thought I'd try and secure a room for a loved one of a more inanimate nature this week.

Message to the Hotel Riviera, Sidmouth

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I will be visiting you shortly on my prized Triumph, however I am loathe to leave it on the streets as the possibility of damage or theft is too much for me to bear. Would it be possible to book into a ground floor room to reduce the bother of removing my bike to my room?

I can assure you it doesn't leak oil and I will be sure to wrap the tyres to save your carpets. If necessary I don't mind paying for a double room. I look forward to your advice on this matter.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Old Parsonage Hotel, Oxford

My walls remain empty and Troy remains unemployed. This is sad day.

Fortunately I know exactly how to cheer myself up. I've been married for eleven years and, being of the view that you only get married once, had a stag do that involved all day drinking and bowling. It was magnificent. The only trouble is the urge to recapture that experience and I've spoken about setting up a fake stag do before realising that I could have another one, just without telling the places we visit that I've already done the marriage part.

Cue this week's room for improvement.

Message to the Old Parsonage Hotel, Oxford

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am set to marry the most beautiful, incredible, angelic young woman on this Earth and arrangements are currently being made to enable the service to take place. To suggest I am the luckiest human being alive would be understating my situation infinitely and I would very much like you all to be a big part of the best day of our lives. 

We are currently looking for an appropriate venue for myself and the chaps to visit for what will be the only stag do I experience in my life. A more local venue has offered £50 rooms, a bottle of bubbly on arrival and assures us that the carpet 'has seen worse' than the nude buttocks of my best man, Brian. We were looking for somewhere a little further from home as my group wish to spread their wings and are concerned that their families may arrive in time to witness their actions.

I can assure you we have no debauchery planned as I am quite attached to my testicles and can imagine what Mrs L will do to them should the demon drink take over. I hope you can assist us at this time and look forward to staying with you very soon.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Riverside House Hotel, Bakewell

There goes my trip to Belgium. I bet if I put an upfront deposit they'd gladly harbour an emigrant but that's the world these days, too obsessed with money.

With that in mind I thought I'd get them to name their price for the giant picture in the main hall. I'm assuming they have one as most hotels do; something obscure, often a local scene or something everyone can relate to like an old car. Time to find out.

Message to Riverside Hous Hotel, Bakewell

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My uncle Grant recently partook in sleeping arrangements in your fine hotel and told me there was a picture in the main hall that I would be very interested in. Everyone has a price and so I wondered what the cost of the picture might be as I trust my uncle's judgement entirely.

Should you need a replacement I know a gentleman called Troy who has a scar down his face and paints beautifully from his cell in Dartmoor. He gives me great reductions so please consider this when making me an offer.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The Reading Rooms, Margate

I was very disappointed with Hambleton Hall. Although they were good enough to ask for a description of my coat they failed miserably to find it.

Message from Hambleton Hall, Oakham

"Dear Mr. Lander,

Thank you for your e-mail message.

Please do let us know the brand/make of your coat and when have you visited us?

With kind regards,

Mrs. *** ***

Reservations

Hambleton Hall | Hambleton | Oakham | Rutland| LE15 8TH

T: 0044 (0) 1572 756991

F: 0044 (0) 1572 724721

w: www.hambletonhall.com"

Message to Hambleton Hall, Oakham

"Good day Mrs ***

I don't wish to cause alarm and I certainly would not recommend running around your hotel as anybody coming across my jacket will recognise it instantly. It is a leather/suede mix with red pockets and an orange lapel. The main body of the coat is black but in certain lights changes to a sumptuous brown/purple blend. The lining is 100% genuine llama from Switzerland but it does not look fluffy; it is more of a felt feel material.

I hope the jacket can be returned as I have spoken to my tailor about a replacement and his valuation has risen considerably. I realise this all sounds like I am trying to sell you the jacket but nothing could be further from the truth! There is no sentimental value attached as such but a local lad named Darren calls me the 'Coat man' yet, recently, he has all but ignored me.

Many thanks in advance, I hope you are able to track down my garment.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Their lack of response concerned me.

Message to Hambleton Hall, Oakham

"Any luck with my coat, chaps?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

I doubt they even care about my coat despite how unique and therefore probably expensive it may have been.

This week I'm moving to the far South East...and then further afield.

Message to The Reading Rooms, Margate

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I need to get out of the country for obvious reasons. I'm thinking of staying at your establishment and swimming to Belgium to claim status as a Belgian immigrant. If I were able to pull off the feat would you be willing to burn my belongings and never mention this conversation again?

I would need a named contact at the hotel, a shower cap to protect my hair and some Buxton in the mini fridge (please no Perrier).

Many thanks for taking the time to read this, I hope you will be able to help discreetly.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Hambleton Hall, Oakham

I have come to the conclusion that, unlike black market stall holders, hotels aren't willing to be haggled down on the prices. I thought about offering them CDs or pamphlets in place of currency but I don't have that many rare or exotic pamphlets.

This week I thought I'd keep it short and sweet but then I started rambling as I'm prone to do.

Message to Hambleton Hall, Oakham

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Did I leave a coat with you on my previous visit?

I was perusing the wallpaper on one of your levels and seem to remember forgetting to pick it up. I wouldn't mind but it was a gift from my wife and my mother helped to pick it out so it has terrific sentimental value. It was once stepped on by HM The Queen (accidentally, alas; I am no valiant servant standing beside puddles) and contains a full packet of chewing gum.

I have also misplaced my mobile phone, a simple Nokia device with a picture of my good lady on the front screen. It is possible this is in the pocket of the coat hence I have asked for that item first. I apologise for my misfortune, I haven't replaced an item of clothing like this since I left my trousers in Inverdale. I should stress they were not the ones I was intending to wear for that day, more a spare pair.

Thank you for taking the time to look in your establishment, I hope we can collate myself and my outer layer as soon as possible.

#ThanksAgain,

T. Lander, esq."