Old Parsonage Hotel, Oxford

My walls remain empty and Troy remains unemployed. This is sad day.

Fortunately I know exactly how to cheer myself up. I've been married for eleven years and, being of the view that you only get married once, had a stag do that involved all day drinking and bowling. It was magnificent. The only trouble is the urge to recapture that experience and I've spoken about setting up a fake stag do before realising that I could have another one, just without telling the places we visit that I've already done the marriage part.

Cue this week's room for improvement.

Message to the Old Parsonage Hotel, Oxford

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am set to marry the most beautiful, incredible, angelic young woman on this Earth and arrangements are currently being made to enable the service to take place. To suggest I am the luckiest human being alive would be understating my situation infinitely and I would very much like you all to be a big part of the best day of our lives. 

We are currently looking for an appropriate venue for myself and the chaps to visit for what will be the only stag do I experience in my life. A more local venue has offered £50 rooms, a bottle of bubbly on arrival and assures us that the carpet 'has seen worse' than the nude buttocks of my best man, Brian. We were looking for somewhere a little further from home as my group wish to spread their wings and are concerned that their families may arrive in time to witness their actions.

I can assure you we have no debauchery planned as I am quite attached to my testicles and can imagine what Mrs L will do to them should the demon drink take over. I hope you can assist us at this time and look forward to staying with you very soon.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."