Eastwood Hall, Eastwood

I guess somebody's not confident about the results of their beauty room. A real shame.

Message to Eastwood Hall, Eastwood

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am enquiring as to the exact amount a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood. I jest; unless you know the answer of course.

A very good friend of mine has a daughter who is engaged to be married and is currently seeking venues. While most boast luxury, fine detail and perfection I was hoping to become involved with the preparations as I know they are not as well off as ourselves.

I have acquired table cloths and seat covers from an electronic bidding website and was hoping this may save in cleaning bills. Likewise I was hoping to supply a red carpet, although sourcing such without existing stains is proving to be a nightmare. I realise these are likely to be drinks but I don't wish to take any risks.

In short, would my involvement be a possibility? I look forward to hearing the answer to one or both of my questions as I was asked the initial phrase at a formal dinner.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Paddocks House, Newmarket

Still no word from the Four Seasons. More worrying still is the lack of interest from the Royal Berkshire Hotel - I mean, it could be blood on the carpet. Pools and pools of crimson, flowing blood...

Message to Paddocks House, Newmarket

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Could you advise me on the effectiveness of your beauty room please? I have employed the same maid for over twelve years now and, while she has courted on and off, we are concerned that she seems unable to keep to the same gentleman caller and I have recently considered that it may be her looks.

Naturally I would never insinuate this to her but I was considering a voucher that we could masquerade as a prize for Maid of the Year or some such event. I believe this would help her to break the unnatural cycle she seems to hold for attracting men for a single night and never seeing them again, the poor dear.

I trust you can answer my query and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Royal Berkshire Hotel, Ascot

I was contacted by the Four Seasons last week but it was a message to say that my enquiry had been passed on to a more skeptical, less likely to reply department. I sometimes wish I had one of these departments to filter messages into...always dream big.

Message to the Royal Berkshire Hotel, Ascot

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Though it shames me to admit I used a false identity, I require some information as I am currently staying in one of your rooms.

Without prejudice, would you mind confirming the level of cleanliness required by yourselves before we leave the room? For example, are there any stains you would not wish left for your staff? I'm asking on behalf of the room next door.

I hope you can provide a swift response.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Four Seasons Hotel, Dogmersfield

Grand news fresh in from Colchester.

Message from Wivenhoe House, Colchester

"Dear Mr. Lander,

I am more than happy to tell you that although our hotel is close to the University campus, we are not affect by any such pranks you were subjected to in Russia.

The hotel is situated on the edge of the campus, so out of reach of day-to-day noises, and should you wish to walk through the grounds, please rest assured our security personnel have a visible presence at all times.

I hope this information is of service to you, Sir, and, please, if you have any more questions do not hesitate to contact us.

Wishing you a good evening,

Kind Regards

*** ***

Front of House

Wivenhoe House Hotel"

Message to Wivenhoe House, Colchester

"Dear ***,

That's excellent news. There's nothing worse than rowdy, naked students. Except, perhaps, rowdy naked pensioners.

Many Thanks.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

This week I'm continuing on the un-British theme.

Message to the Four Seasons Hotel, Dogmersfield

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My apologies, but this Country I am not from. Staying I am with residents and assured me they did that hotel of yours is very good a lot. Hoping soon to stay with you I am but first question that must be answered if you are willing I have.

Swimming pool on your website very nice I have found. Bringing my wife with me I am hoping and privacy big priority for renting pool the one evening. For one evening how much for my wife and I but nobody in with us?

Your time is many thank you and I email return look forward to very soon.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."