The Ritz, London

Massive thanks to everyone who has tuned in at some point to this blog over the last year. As Nelly Furtado said, "All good things come to an end"* and this is the last post for Rooms for Improvement.

Alas, dear reader, we all knew it was destined to end like this.

Message to The Ritz, London

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Please accept this email as confirmation that I would like to be considered for your next free prize draw. Should I win I may be contacted using this address.

I would very much like you to bear in mind that my poor wife has not been offered so much as a discount over the course of the past twelve months and I would hate to look like the kind of gentleman who does not live up to promises. Many thanks for your consideration and your possible complimentary hospitality (humble nod).

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Thanks to you all again once more, it's been great fun but my services are now required over at http://ratethestates.blogspot.co.uk/ - to keep up to date with who lives in the best state in the US please use the 'follow by email' button in the top, right hand corner.

I look forward to seeing you all again...

*Nelly Furtado actually asked, "Why do all good things come to an end?" but it's interesting to see how people manipulate quotes to suit their own needs.

Kilcamb Lodge, Argyll

Excellent news for future patrons of Rowhill Grange.

Message from Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Dear T. Lander,

 Thank you for your enquiry,

 I can assure you that the shells you see in the photo are for decorative purposes only.

 Kind Regards,

 ***
 

 Rowhill Grange Hotel Reception

 Hotel Reception Team

 Rowhill Grange Hotel & Utopia Spa

 mailto:rghotel@alexanderhotels.com ¦ 01322 615136

 http://www.rowhillgrange.co.uk "

Message to Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Many thanks, ***. So to confirm, your fine hotel still employs the use of toilet paper?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Message from Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Dear Mr Lander,

Yes I can confirm that we have toilet paper at the hotel.

Kind Regards,

***

  

Rowhill Grange Hotel Reception

Hotel Reception Team

Rowhill Grange Hotel & Utopia Spa

rghotel@alexanderhotels.com ¦ 01322 615136

www.rowhillgrange.co.uk"

Message to Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Thank you again ***, that's a relief."

I'm not certain how long their policy of using paper will last for so if you're planning on visiting in the next couple of years it still may be worth taking your own.

Message to Kilcamb Lodge, Argyll

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I bought my family a Christmas experience in that I acquired a snow machine, only to find that it is a bubble machine with a sock attached to the front. The product it ejects is neither cold nor delicious and I'm almost certain that our case of loose bowels last weekend is down to our consumption of the product.

I am looking for a hotel that offers real snow and was wondering if you are experiencing this yet? I am quite willing to pay extra, particularly if you have acquaintances who may be looking to buy a snow machine. I would suggest that you advise them never to eat artificial snow, however.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Rowhill Grange, Kent

I was more than a little hoping that the Magdalen Chapter would have returned my mail as overattending events is what I do best. At least if I'm at home the surroundings are familiar as I re-enjoy breakfast, I guess.

Message to Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

One of the pictures on your website depicts a luxurious looking bath with all the trimmings one might desire to relax in comfort. However, I notice on the footboard (?) of the bath are three seashells held on their own individual stands.

I was a huge fan of the film Demolition Man when it was released but I did not realise that some of the futuristic events were based on real life. When the officers joke about Mr. Stallone being unaware of how to use the three seashells I genuinely took this to be a piece of science fiction yet it now appears that I am in the same position.

Do you offer an instruction leaflet for the devices or is it a simple procedure that you believe I will pick up naturally?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

For those who haven't seen Demolition Man, the three seashells replace toilet paper. For those who think I'm making this up:

The Magdalen Chapter, Exeter

It looks like I'm not getting my premium sausage back. Uncle Frank will be disappointed but not nearly as much as my wife - she was looking forward to that sausage.

Message to The Magdalen Chapter, Exeter

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am very interested in your cocktail events, however the last time I indulged in such it took a team of paramedics to pump my stomach and I lost three days of good, solid work which impacted on me financially.

As my wife will be unable to attend would you be able to supply a sponsor to support me during the event and to prevent me from 'overattending' your event? I'm not dependent, I simply have difficulty gauging my behaviour from time to time.

I hope you will be able to supply such a mentor and I look forward to sensibly enjoying the beverages on offer.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The Merchant Hotel, Belfast

I've had quite the busy week.

Message from The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your email and I am delighted your guest is considering staying at The Grove.

In order to provide availability and prices, please may you advise if there are any dates that I can check for you?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

*** ***

Resort Reservations Agent

THE GROVE | Chandler’s Cross Hertfordshire WD3 4TG

Telephone: +44 (0)1923 296010 | www.thegrove.co.uk"

How could I say no?

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear ***,

Thank you most kindly for your fast response. I can confirm that the President would most likely be visiting on the 11th of December which is a Friday; if we were able to start from there I would be most grateful.

I hate to sound like a pawn in his game but his reasons for going through me are hopefully fairly obvious by now. His stay could possibly enhance the reputation of your establishment and he will be happy to pose for a photo for your wall. 

I'm certain he will endure a good 'knight' with you all from the images on your website!

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

They were under no illusions. They've clearly dealt with this before. Pros.

Message from The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your reply.

I am pleased to confirm the current availability for the Presidential Suite on Friday 11^th December for one night only. This is available again from Monday 14^th December for 2 nights, and then again from Thursday 17^thDecember for much longer duration. Please may you advise how long the guest is looking to stay with us here at the hotel and I will be delighted to confirm the prices.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

*** ***

Resort Reservations Agent

THE GROVE | Chandler’s Cross Hertfordshire WD3 4TG

Telephone: +44 (0)1923 296010 | www.thegrove.co.uk"

The thought of finding out prices made my fingers prick up.

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

“Dear ***,

That is fantastic news. He is looking at one night only and it would be handy to know if you have room for his transport, Ground Force One. It's only a Hummer H2 but will require two parking spaces in my honest opinion.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

Message from The Grove, Chandler's Cross

“Dear Mr Lander,

We will certainly have plenty of space for the transport for the guest. Additionally we can also offer the Presidential Suite at the rate of [£BASICALLY A FOUR FIGURE SUM] per night inclusive of breakfast and vat.

Please do let me know if you would like to proceed with the reservation or if I can provide any further information and I will be more than happy to assist.

Kind regards,

*** ***

Resort Reservations Agent

THE GROVE | Chandler’s Cross Hertfordshire WD3 4TG

Telephone: +44 (0)1923 296010 | www.thegrove.co.uk”

They forced my hand at this point and I had to back down. Gutted. It's a good job I'm not one of those people who feels bad and goes through with the transaction to save face, though.

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

“Dear ***,

Many thanks for the details. I shall pass the information on to the president of the chess club and get back to you should we wish to proceed.

Once again I would like to thank you for your professional and timely assistance.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

Well played, The Grove. How do I follow that?

Message to The Merchant Hotel, Belfast

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am loathe to enquire due to the nature of the artifact but it appears my wife and I may have left something in our room last weekend. Unfortunately I don't remember the room number, however the offending article would be obvious were it handed in.

It is very personal to us and I would very much like to have it back if possible. It is long, has a generous girth and is a pink/purple hue. Should it not have been handed in I would not recommend touching the item without gloves as it may not be completely hygienic.

I apologise in advance but hope you can help with the return of our item.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The Grove, Chandler's Cross

I've sent a scout to check out Davies. Says he's alright. Not good enough for me, I need to hear it from the horse's mouth.

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am writing to enquire about the availability of your presidential suite in January. I am acting on behalf of an individual who is looking to stay with you but cannot book his own accommodation for security reasons.

Although I am unable to reveal his identity I can confirm that he is unique in his position, has been a big hit with the people he looks after and speaks with an American accent as he hails from Hawaii; needless to say the presidential suite is the only one he will consider.

I look forward to crossing diaries with you and thank you in advance for your time.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Shibden Mill Inn, Halifax

Noise meditation is off. If you applied to be part of our life changing group I'm afraid you will be very disappointed. More importantly there are no refunds, please do not embarrass our staff by asking for one.

I wondered whether the tone of my previous posts might have put recipients off replying to me so I've changed up a gear this week. Don't panic, I'll be back to my normal self next week.

Message to the Shibden Mill Inn, Halifax

"Yo,

I see you've got Roger Davies on the bill. Is he any good? I've just scored a scud load of cash from my aunt and thought I'd blow it all on a night out. Your gaff looks top.

I'd appreciate your honesty in this, if you've seen him and he doesn't tell any decent jokes about scooting round other people's houses at night then I'd probably not like him. Don't think you're missing out, I'll still give you a nose around but I'll pick a time when there's someone else on.

Cheers and gone,

Big T”