Lucknam Park Hotel, Bath

I honestly thought the Luton Hoo Hotel would be staffed by people with wacky imaginations who would thrive on the company of those dressed like superheroes but, alas, it was not to be. I have spent the week mourning the demise of the superhero party by wearing a black eye patch to highlight to those around me that I am unhappy. It never fails to be the first thing people ask about me and allows me to tell them about the discarded party which always brings them down, too.

The first thing that struck me about this week's hotel was the four poster bed in one of the photos. I've always wanted to sleep in one of those as it allows you to climb up and launch yourself onto the bed, perhaps imagining an opponent beneath that you can powerdrive* into. I have learned a valuable lesson from past experiences though and now don't eat hard-cased sweets in bed before performing sports on it.

(*Possibly not a real wrestling move)

Message to Lucknam Park Hotel, Bath

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My wife and I have returned from an eye-opening weekend in the North of England which involved a lot of physical exercise and the tuning of our bodies in harmony as one. Having exerted so much energy over the course of our time away we decided to treat ourselves to a particularly messy Chinese meal and, being an adventurous couple, decided to allow the food to cool before exploring the food as a beautiful extension of ourselves.

For some reason the proprietary type of the hotel saw it fit to send us a bill that included the laundry of the sheets despite the fact we used wet wipes and saliva to clean the worst of the stains off and know for sure that establishments such as theirs have access to wonder cleaning products that would make the most violent crime scene seem like it had been newly renovated.

To avoid the same mistake I was wondering if we could pay up front for the possible damage that may occur to the bedding or bring our own as this will allow us to continue upon each other as nature intended without being confined to dining on a table, a man made object that brings no energy to exploration at all.

I look forward to your reply and have noted provisional dates in the diary for our entrance.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."