The Great House Hotel, Lavenham

Lucknam Park in Bath are having none of our sticky sheets. It's a shame really as I love to eat meals in bed and am happy to pay for the pleasure but some people are a bit fragile about their linen. I should have known.

I found a picture on the website of this week's hotel in which I genuinely couldn't tell if the subject was their fine dining or their superb gardens. We all love to scoff a leafy salad from time to time but I have no need to know graphically where it came from. It's like bacon in a sense; ignorance is bliss. Porky has a family to feed in the same way that Leafy has other branches of siblings and offspring and so I prefer to think of them all as inanimate, delicious plate dwellers.

All this talk of food is making me hungry so I thought I'd avoid the subject altogether in my dilemma.

Message to The Great House Hotel, Lavenham

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I notice on your website that you have a shop and was disappointed by the contents. I had envisioned the device to be a virtual gift shop selling quirky aprons with "Top Fella" emblazoned across them and the name of your hotel, showing guests to our villa that I was both a pleasant source of company and able to afford the costs of your tantilising rooms.

With this in mind may I suggest a few other items I believe your guests may find amusing enough to purchase? The takings from the shop alone will allow you to export your champagne for next to nothing and I am certain you will become internationally recognised within the world of winemaking thanks to the simple suggestions of a nigh-on millionaire (although I wouldn't turn down my cut of the profits, should negotiations allow!).

• Novelty coasters with your staff in entertaining poses
• Golf tees made entirely from the corks used in your bottles
• Umbrellas large enough to house the boast 'my other umbrella came with my Rolls Royce'
• T-Shirts with the option to alter the photo to allow guests to look like they work among your fine staff
• Erasers for the children as their pocket money will soon add up in your tills.

This is simply a selection but I hope you will give my advice some consideration.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."