Wivenhoe House, Colchester

I've well and truly lost sight of the doner van. Life's so unfair sometimes.

Message to Wivenhoe House, Colchester

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I notice from your site map that you have a campus nearby for Essex University students; with this in mind I would like to ask if you have many pranks or unsavoury activities affecting the guests of your hotel?

I once stayed in a Russian hotel that was mere feet from a community college and the antics of the students were enough to make my poor wife blush. I saw underwear on more than one occasion and a young man was almost sick on my brand new shoes. We passed a large group on one occasion and, although I couldn't understand what they were saying, it sounded derogatory and boorish.

Many thanks in advance for this information, I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Château Rhianfa, Beaumaris

Does anyone know how I can find out if the Acacia overlooks the ground? I want to be truly and completely landlocked yet they refuse to reveal whether this is possible.

Message to the Château Rhianfa, Beaumaris

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was passing your unique venue last week and had the most pleasant dining experience I can remember for a long time. Unfortunately I have tried to recreate the dish in my own abode yet my experimentation has come to nothing. I am looking to treat my wife and wish to perfect the dish as soon as possible.

I believe our order consisted of a lamb shish as I was told specifically not to order the doner due to the vast chasm of quality difference. The van was parked around 100 yards from the entrance to your grounds and I would relish an opportunity to discuss the preparation with the owner to allow me access to such a divine meal from the comfort of my own home.

Many thanks in advance for any help you can offer at this time. 

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Acacia Boutique, Douglas

We're all set for a trip to the Hotel Gotham as soon as they reply to my reply.

Message from the Hotel Gotham, Manchester

"Hi Terry,

Thank you for your recent email.

Which date were you looking to book for?

Thanks

*** ***

Reservations Manager"

Message to the Hotel Gotham, Manchester

"Hi ***

That would depend greatly on the discount. Naturally, fighting crime is a low paying vocation and I have to subsidise this with removing the dark side from dishes at weekends. My availability is high during the week as I can record Doctors and I imagine this would suit your off peak times, although I don't wish to invite myself to your house as such.

I look forward to matching times with you and thank you for such a fast response.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Great news! Meanwhile...

Message to Acacia Boutique, Douglas

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

After careful consideration of your website I am now keen to know if you have any rooms that don't overlook the sea. I realise this is a popular trap for tourists but there is nothing worse in my opinion than waking up and feeling like you're trapped in a boat.

In fact I would be willing to pay more for a room that overlooks a firm, solid field. Is this possible at all? I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Hotel Gotham, Manchester

I don't mind hotels not wanting to use my supermarket points but they could at least reply and let me know what offers they are likely to accept. I have a coupon here for washing powder from a magazine that's worth 50p.

This week I am going to attempt to write to Gotham without mentioning the B word.

Message to the Hotel Gotham, Manchester

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I have been perusing your website but I couldn't find any information on discounts for celebrities. Despite the fact you may not have heard of me I regularly walk the streets looking to make the city safer and have received award upon award for my tireless efforts. I don't need a pat on the back, just a few pounds off.

I realise you may need some proof but I would be humbled and honoured if you were to take my word. You may recognise my eyes if that helps. I look forward to staying with you.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.

P.S. I'M THE BATMAN"

Ah, damn it.

Corinthia Hotel, London

There's no way The Kings Arms are happy with their header photo but a lack of response means they've blown their chance of a replacement.

Message to Corinthia Hotel, London

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was perusing your website and noticed your loyalty scheme. I must put forward my delight at the thought of a hotel as prestigious as yours rewarding customers for returning to yourselves.

I do have one small enquiry; I have a number of supermarket loyalty cards and was hoping you would consider using those as part payment towards a night in your hotel. While I am certain airmiles would be as useful to you as as a tortoise based transport system I see no reason why cash savings at popular supermarkets wouldn't be appealing.

I look forward to hearing the exchange rate for such items and have my diary to hand for your response.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The Kings Arms, Temple Sowerby

Damn the law in this Country, keeping our privacy safe (for now).

Message from The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

“Dear Mr Lander

Further to your recent email, due to the data protection act we are unable to pass on information of guests who have stayed in the hotel.

You may however find the following article, about The Royal Hotel's history, answers your queries.

http://www.redfunnel.co.uk/my-isle-of-wight/features/jewel-in-the-island%E2%80%99s-crown-%E2%80%93-the-royal-hotel-in-ventnor/.

If we can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Kind regards

Reservations”

Message to The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

“Dear All,

Many thanks for your informative and prompt reply. Do you have any information as to when the Data Protection Act lapses and the Freedom of Information Act takes over for this subject? I realise I'm stepping on your right to privacy with my right to free speech but this world is so full of paradoxes. Your revelation of Robert Plant makes me think you may drip feed me further celebrities in the future but I realise my patience is most likely to bring reward so I will desist from my badgering (which makes me think Brian May).

I have been to the Isle of Wight before but the occasion was blighted with glass in my foot, being too young to drink and the death of our own Princess Diana. I hope to return to at least spend a week without another royal death, although one cannot plan for these things I realise.

Many thanks again and I look forward to the possibility of, but not the definite eventuality of, a further reply. Perhaps just a Daphne and Celeste or Gina G will keep me going for now?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

Ominously there was no return. I think we all know what that means. Onward.

Message to The Kings Arms, Temple Sowerby

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

There is a photo on the main header of your website featuring a gentleman in a white shirt, a young man in white and a lady in a purple shirt. While their attire is nothing to put potential visitors off their stance is; what I mean is that they look like they are leaving despite having no dinnerware, making me think they've received slow service or arrived on a day when the kitchen was closed. As a hungry individual I wish to be given the impression that the kitchen never closes despite my realisation of the contrary.

I am willing to put myself and my family forward to be models in a replacement shot of the same image as the beautiful scenery and charming weather really make me want to visit your fine hotel. For this we would simply need travel and accommodation due to the fact that we are not professional models and I believe my children, as good as they are, may need some direction.

I am more than happy to help with this, please do not send any gifts of thanks. I look forward to receiving your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

Ah, but we already knew that.

Message from Lower Slaughter Manor, Lower Slaughter

“Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your email. I am afraid the gremlins seem to have been at work, as the property is called Lower Slaughter Manor rather than Lowers Laughter Manor.

Please find attached a copy of the hotel history, which details where the name came from.

We are delighted that we provided you with a few moment's enjoyment, and hope to welcome you to Lower Slaughter Manor soon.

With kind regards,

*** ***

Front of House Manager”

Message to Lower Slaughter Manor, Lower Slaughter

“Hello ***,

I hope you don't mind me saying but the difference between Lowers Laughter and Lower Slaughter has quite taken me aback.

The good news is that the information you sent me has settled my nerves somewhat and I am intrigued about your delightful property. I am sure I will visit you very soon.

I apologise for my failing eyes, I can see now where the error has occurred. I wish you all the best.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

The information they sent me about the hotel is quite interesting and so I will copy it to the bottom of this post. Meanwhile...

Message to The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was perusing the history of your hotel and can find no reference to royalty whatsoever. It left me pondering; should I wish to stay with you, would I have a chance to bump into Prince Charles and his dear mother or not?

Should this not be the case I would be interested in a list of celebrities who have stayed in your rooms before, although this is mainly so I can avoid the Ant and Dec types. I have no qualms about people from the North East but their quirky mannerisms would have me on guard all weekend.

Thank you in advance,

T. Lander, esq."

A history of Lower Slaughter Manor

The name Lower Slaughter does not recall some fearful bygone carnage as might be supposed. It is said to originate from the name of a Norman Knight, Philip de Sloitre, who was granted land in the area by William the Conqueror. The name proved too much of a “tongue twister” for the peasants who corrupted it to ‘slaughter’, though some say it derives from an Anglo-Saxon word, meaning ‘muddy or watery place’. The first written record is in The Doomsday Book where the name is spelt “Sclostre”.

The history of the Manor dates back nearly 1000 years and it is known that a Manor house stood on the site before the Conquest, even as early as 1004 A.D.

In 1443, the Manor became a convent housing nuns from the order Syon when the order was granted the land. The two storey dovecote that still stands in the grounds is said to have supplied the nuns with nourishment.

Some 100 years or so later, after King Henry VIII’s break with Rome in 1543 and the subsequent dissolution of the monasteries, the Manor was returned to the crown in 1603, during the reign of King James I. The Manor was granted in 1611 to Sir George Whitmore, High Sheriff of Gloucestershire and remained in the family until 1964. In 1655, Sir George’s son contracted Valentine Strong to build a house at Lower Slaughter “for the sum of £200.00.00d in lawful English money”. Valentine Strong was a very important stonemason of his time, and was stated to be of national importance. His son, Thomas was the principal contractor employed by Sir Christopher Wren in the building of St Paul’s Cathedral.

Although much altered by later generations, the house retains some interior fittings, one being the stone fireplace in the lounge dated 1658. The Drawing Room and Panel Room both have splendid ceilings, contemporary with the building, enriched with medallions of fruit, flowers and figures of angelic females and birds.

To the side of the Manor stands the very unusual stable block, dated 1770, which hosts a fine central clock tower. A small addition was made to the east of the building in 1864 and in 1891, a larger wing was added on the east side as well as a gazebo window on the staircase landing, overlooking the gardens to the north.

The house was built on a high basement and in one of the basement rooms, now used as our pastry kitchen, is a mural inscription which reads:

A good character is valuable to everyone, but especially to servants. For it is their bread and butter and without it they cannot be admitted a creditable family, and happy it is that the best of characters is in everyone’s power to deserve”

Richard White 1771