Shibden Mill Inn, Halifax

Noise meditation is off. If you applied to be part of our life changing group I'm afraid you will be very disappointed. More importantly there are no refunds, please do not embarrass our staff by asking for one.

I wondered whether the tone of my previous posts might have put recipients off replying to me so I've changed up a gear this week. Don't panic, I'll be back to my normal self next week.

Message to the Shibden Mill Inn, Halifax

"Yo,

I see you've got Roger Davies on the bill. Is he any good? I've just scored a scud load of cash from my aunt and thought I'd blow it all on a night out. Your gaff looks top.

I'd appreciate your honesty in this, if you've seen him and he doesn't tell any decent jokes about scooting round other people's houses at night then I'd probably not like him. Don't think you're missing out, I'll still give you a nose around but I'll pick a time when there's someone else on.

Cheers and gone,

Big T”

Church Farm Barns, Stratford-Upon-Avon

The owners of the Duke of Wellington are so embarrassed about how early they put up their decorations that they have refused to get back to me, suggesting they're already up. Shudder.

This week I'm going to the birthplace of the inventor of words himself, William Shakespeare. Don't panic, I know he didn't invent words as such, but he did coin some new terms such as fashionable, tranquil and birthplace. Why am I telling you this?

Message to Church Farm Barns, Stratford-Upon-Avon

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My wife and I have recently established a new group designed to combine both meditation and noise therapy. Our bunch of noisy meditators are looking for a location for an inaugural get-together and loved the look of your accommodation.

I was wondering if we could practise, undisturbed, within your beautiful grounds? There is nothing worse while one is wailing and meditating than having football fans wandering past and chanting about the cup or what have you.

Many thanks for taking the time to read this, I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Duke of Wellington, Newton

A lack of response from Ellenborough Park makes me think they are very happy with their prices. I didn't want a massive reduction, even points on a loyalty card would have sufficed, but I shall take my hundred pounds and spend it on scones elsewhere. This raises another point - would anyone like any scones?

Message to the Duke of Wellington, Newton

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My wife and I are looking for a suitable location for a winter get together around the area of your establishment and I am writing to enquire as to whether you are likely to have Christmas decorations littering your ceilings towards the end of November.

I can tolerate children running around and singing 'Jingle Bells' as they push their sibling's head into a fountain but I feel this month is much to early to be forcing guests to increase their frivolity and I strongly feel that tinsel and ceiling decorations are designed to do just that.

I hope I am not projecting an image of Scrooge here as I once spent an entire Christmas party with my underwear on the outside of my suit as we strode between public houses, however that was on the 15th of December and well into what I like to call 'the Christmas Zone'.

I look forward to your reassurance.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Ellenborough Park, Cheltenham

It's been a week yet still nobody has got back to me to tell me that this: O is a clay pigeon. That's the least I would have replied given the status of 'owning a castle'.

Message to Ellenborough Park, Cheltenham

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was hoping you could offer me some reassurance on your prices. While I realise your establishment has an aura of indulgence and taste I have priced a similar experience to your luxury spa and afternoon tea and have yet to reach your price of £99.

Though I am a man of simple tastes and am happy to admit this I can acquire scones and cakes from a young lady on our road who always winks as I leave and can also procure the services of a masseuse who claims to be 'number one' from the final section of our local free newspaper.

I am keen to know how your experience would differ from my own and look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Balfour Castle, Orkney

The proprietary types at Wolds Village are obviously more than happy for my business to be discussed among their other clients. I am outraged...but not enough to write to them again.

Message to Balfour Castle, Orkney

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

May I start by saying what a unique and stunning accommodationary venue you are offering to the public, my heartiest congratulatory blessings are cast forthwith in your directional vicinity. 

I have some concerns about one of the activial functions you offer should we decide to stay in one of your fine rooms - how easy is it for an amateur like myself to hit one of your clay pigeons? Are they modelled on the larger birds found in Trafalgar Square or would they more accurately represent the undernourished specimens of Somerset?

My reason for asking is that I am approaching with some sharp shooters and I would hate to look foolish despite my amateur status.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Wolds Village, Bainton

Some days you find yourself going round in circles. Often it's because people are avoiding the question.

Message from Hartwell House, Aylesbury

“Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your recent enquiry.

We do offer free parking at Harwell House Hotel for any guests that are staying or dining here.

  

If I can provide you with any further information please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

*** ***

Senior Receptionist

Hartwell House, Spa and Restaurant

EVERY VISIT BENEFITS THE NATIONAL TRUST”

Message to Hartwell House, Aylesbury

“Hi ***

Many thanks for the return email, however I was hoping the rooms themselves would be free. I'm not entirely sure what benefits NT membership offers.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

Message from Hartwell House, Aylesbury

“Dear Mr Lander,

Hartwell House Hotel is part of the National Trust. We are owned by Historical House Hotels.

We are open to guests who are staying or dining with us.

We are not open as a National Trust property, although if you were to join us for lunch, afternoon tea or dinner you would be welcome to walk the grounds.

If I can provide you with any further information please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

*** ***

Senior Receptionist

Hartwell House, Spa and Restaurant

EVERY VISIT BENEFITS THE NATIONAL TRUST”

Remember, there's only one letter difference between 'blogger' and 'blagger' but there's also one letter between 'can' and 'can't'. Don't get all pedantic with me about the apostrophe. 

To Yorkshire...

Message to Wolds Village, Bainton

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I came across your website after finding the picture of the red four poster bed...you sure know how to get a potential guest's attention.

My only concern is the so called 'village mentality'. Is this something your hotel suffers from? I would hate for the other guests to know exactly what my wife and I get up to in your rooms and would rue even more their discussions with each other over tea and cake in the afternoon.

I would be grateful if you could alleviate my concerns as I would hate to end up as the Wolds Village idiot!

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Hartwell House, Aylesbury

The good people at Eastwood Hall are very happy to answer any questions, no matter how philosophical.

Message from Eastwood Hall, Eastwood

"Good Morning Mr Lander,

Many thanks for your enquiry with Eastwood Hall, Nottingham for your daughters wedding, does she have any dates in mind that I can check for her?

We have a red carpet that we include complimentary with our weddings, we do not supply chair covers so if you use your own that is no problem however we cant guarantee the room would be available the day prior to dress the chairs but if friends and family are available they can of course help you to dress the chairs on the morning of the wedding.

Eastwood Hall is situated just five miles from junction 26 off the M1. Set in the beautiful Nottinghamshire countryside, Eastwood Hall provides a magnificent setting for your Wedding Reception and Ceremony if you are planning a civil ceremony which would be perfect for photos. Our aim is to be the very best venue in the area and we work continuously to ensure that the food and service are of the highest standards. Our friendly and professional staff will ensure that your special day is one to be remembered by all.

A special accommodation rate in available at 10% discount per room based on double and single occupancy. This rate includes full English breakfast and complimentary use of our leisure facilities, for guests aged 18 years and over.

Our resident DJ is £350.00 inclusive of VAT however you are free to source your own at no additional cost. Entertainment can play until 1:00am and our bar closes at

2:00am.

I hope this information meets with your immediate requirements however please contact me if you have any queries. If you or your daughter would like to come in for a show round please let me know.

In Answer to your other question- A woodchuck would chuck no amount of wood since a woodchuck can’t chuck wood!

 Kind Regards

*** ***

Weddings and Special Events Coordinator"

Message to Eastwood Hall, Eastwood

"Dear ***,

Many thanks for your detailed response; the fact you answered my initial enquiry really made me smile!

I don't believe there is a date just yet as we're currently working through fourteen different colour schemes - blue and white, green and white, green and cream, red and gold, red white and gold, red black and gold, blue and orange, blue white and orange, blue black and orange, purple and white, purple red and white, purple gold and white, purple black and cream or completely white. If you have any suggestions based on these (or our three back up themes of green and gold, purple green and gold or red purple green and gold) I would be delighted to hear them.

Regarding the seat covers, I believe a young man named Dan has advised us that he would be willing to decorate the seats for the very reasonable fee of £20, however he has to calculate whether he will available in accordance with his community service. His brother is definitely available but wants £40 and a free bar...yes, I can imagine your expression at reading that.

Finally I would like to congratulate your DJ as £350 would have been a celebrity wedding when I was on the circuit. I was once the only lad on our road with a Yamaha FS1E but that hardly makes me a celebrity.

Once again many thanks for your return, I look forward to your thoughts.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

That's cleared all of that up. At least it will, when they get back to me with a colour scheme.

Message to Hartwell House, Aylesbury

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

As a National Trust member I am entitled to free parking at the beaches in our local area. Could you confirm this same discount applies to rooms in your establishment?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."