The Great House Hotel, Lavenham

Lucknam Park in Bath are having none of our sticky sheets. It's a shame really as I love to eat meals in bed and am happy to pay for the pleasure but some people are a bit fragile about their linen. I should have known.

I found a picture on the website of this week's hotel in which I genuinely couldn't tell if the subject was their fine dining or their superb gardens. We all love to scoff a leafy salad from time to time but I have no need to know graphically where it came from. It's like bacon in a sense; ignorance is bliss. Porky has a family to feed in the same way that Leafy has other branches of siblings and offspring and so I prefer to think of them all as inanimate, delicious plate dwellers.

All this talk of food is making me hungry so I thought I'd avoid the subject altogether in my dilemma.

Message to The Great House Hotel, Lavenham

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I notice on your website that you have a shop and was disappointed by the contents. I had envisioned the device to be a virtual gift shop selling quirky aprons with "Top Fella" emblazoned across them and the name of your hotel, showing guests to our villa that I was both a pleasant source of company and able to afford the costs of your tantilising rooms.

With this in mind may I suggest a few other items I believe your guests may find amusing enough to purchase? The takings from the shop alone will allow you to export your champagne for next to nothing and I am certain you will become internationally recognised within the world of winemaking thanks to the simple suggestions of a nigh-on millionaire (although I wouldn't turn down my cut of the profits, should negotiations allow!).

• Novelty coasters with your staff in entertaining poses
• Golf tees made entirely from the corks used in your bottles
• Umbrellas large enough to house the boast 'my other umbrella came with my Rolls Royce'
• T-Shirts with the option to alter the photo to allow guests to look like they work among your fine staff
• Erasers for the children as their pocket money will soon add up in your tills.

This is simply a selection but I hope you will give my advice some consideration.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Lucknam Park Hotel, Bath

I honestly thought the Luton Hoo Hotel would be staffed by people with wacky imaginations who would thrive on the company of those dressed like superheroes but, alas, it was not to be. I have spent the week mourning the demise of the superhero party by wearing a black eye patch to highlight to those around me that I am unhappy. It never fails to be the first thing people ask about me and allows me to tell them about the discarded party which always brings them down, too.

The first thing that struck me about this week's hotel was the four poster bed in one of the photos. I've always wanted to sleep in one of those as it allows you to climb up and launch yourself onto the bed, perhaps imagining an opponent beneath that you can powerdrive* into. I have learned a valuable lesson from past experiences though and now don't eat hard-cased sweets in bed before performing sports on it.

(*Possibly not a real wrestling move)

Message to Lucknam Park Hotel, Bath

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My wife and I have returned from an eye-opening weekend in the North of England which involved a lot of physical exercise and the tuning of our bodies in harmony as one. Having exerted so much energy over the course of our time away we decided to treat ourselves to a particularly messy Chinese meal and, being an adventurous couple, decided to allow the food to cool before exploring the food as a beautiful extension of ourselves.

For some reason the proprietary type of the hotel saw it fit to send us a bill that included the laundry of the sheets despite the fact we used wet wipes and saliva to clean the worst of the stains off and know for sure that establishments such as theirs have access to wonder cleaning products that would make the most violent crime scene seem like it had been newly renovated.

To avoid the same mistake I was wondering if we could pay up front for the possible damage that may occur to the bedding or bring our own as this will allow us to continue upon each other as nature intended without being confined to dining on a table, a man made object that brings no energy to exploration at all.

I look forward to your reply and have noted provisional dates in the diary for our entrance.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Luton Hoo Hotel, Luton

I guess Netherstowe House didn't want me swinging my monkey around and so I won't be checking in there any time soon. Instead I thought I'd sort a surprise for my cousin who is really into DC comics and Marvel. Apparently this is cool these days but I can't keep up with fashion as I'm too busy trying to find a decent room in this country.

There is nothing to hate about this week's hotel - as well as being called Luton Hoo their address is The Mansion House which screams luxury, sophistication and superheroes. Who wouldn't want to climb the walls of such an establishment? (That was sort of a rhetorical question, Spidey. Calm your excitement.)

Message to Luton Hoo Hotel, Luton

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am looking to surprise my cousin who has spent the last year climbing Everest, establishing communications with a civilisation untouched by westerners and raising over £400,000 by dancing from John O'Groats to Land's End. To honour his name I would like to throw the most lavish and well attended party this country has seen since the end of the last war.

I will require the strictest confidence to pull off such a feat and would like to involve as many local businesses as possible, although I am happy to contact them and confirm their participation. All I need to know now is whether you are in.

The theme is top secret, however I'm sure you'd like some clues to ensure our entourage will fit in with your other clientele. All I can confirm is that we will expect guests to dress as their favourite comic book superheroes and we will be decorating tables and chairs to fit in with this. No fish tanks or ceiling decorations will be harmed in the making of this production, I swear.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and await your reply. I'll be beside the Batphone (email).

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Fingers crossed they'll have us.

Netherstowe House, Lichfield

It's back to business as usual since the Summer Lodge chose not to inform me of their facilities for martian attack so I have decided to look elsewhere. This week's hotel is happy to cater for any occasion as advertised on their website but I couldn't see where the restrictions on pets may have been so I thought I'd get in touch to ask.

Message to Netherstowe House, Lichfield

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was perusing your website and was astounded by the quality of your facilities to the point of joining you all for dinner and a sojourn in the very near future. One condition I could not place on your site is the welcoming of pets however, a term that I believe would be a deal breaker.

I realise it is unusual for hotels of your quality to allow animals within your property due to their indifference to soiled sheets and fur deposits, however I thought I would enquire before I made my reservations as I cannot travel without Archbishop Dufresne nor would I ever choose to.

To summarise, I guess I would like to know whether I can bring my monkey to your fine establishment. He is partially toilet trained (he urinates on the porcelain but still insists on defecating in the grounds of the estate) and may even serve to attract further guests if your advertising executives are worth their salt.

I thank you for taking the time to read this and we both look forward to your reply in due course.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Summer Lodge Hotel, Evershot

I was a bit disappointed by the response from the Hyatt Regency. Clearly they didn't pick up on my 'nod, nod, wink, wink, put me at the other side of the hotel' suggestion. Either that or they realise that I would fit in much better with the screaming children than the clientele I was pretending to be.

Message from the Hyatt Regency, Birmingham

"Dear Guest,

As per your email I can confirm that we welcome all our guests equally. Due to our location in close proximity to the main bars and clubs area of Birmingham we do have guests who enjoy the clubbing scene of Birmingham. Also, families with babies and children are also welcome. I hope this clears your concerns.

Kind Regards

*** ***"

I didn't reply this time as it's difficult to budge proprietary types from their equal opportunities positions. Instead I turned my attention to the next hotel.

Message to the Summer Lodge Hotel, Evershot

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Picture this: It's June 2015. There is chaos on the streets of Dorset as the Martians have landed and are looking to probe anything they come across. Sausage and chips are off the menu due to their phallic nature and panic is the only response anybody knows. I have decided to stay at your excellent hotel but they have come through the front doors and are looking to enter me.

Worse than that, I have brought my family along. My wife is in bits and my poodle has gone cross-eyed at the suggestions from the invaders. My question is this - do you have a bomb shelter or attic space where I can take my beloved guests?

I realise the rate of martian attack in Dorset is quite low (yet something you have failed to pick up on for your advertisements) yet the same can be said for golf balls to the head and this has actually happened to my uncle.

I hope you can allay my concerns and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Hyatt Regency, Birmingham

I was unnecessarily excited at a response from the Fitzwilliam this week, as illustrated here.

Message from the Fitzwilliam, Dublin

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you so much for our email we would love to make your stay as memorable as possible with us, can I ask it the trip for a special occasion.

Can I please also confirm the name the room is reserve under and I will have a look into your requests?

Looking forward to speaking with you soon,

Kind regards,

*** ***"

The signs were there; they're only interested in people who have already booked yet I failed to notice and sent back a suitable reply.

Message to the Fitzwilliam, Dublin

"Dear ***,

Thank you for your prompt reply. Currently we are looking at arriving towards the end of April, however as I will be bringing Pete on this occasion I cannot confirm the dates completely as he's as reliable as a Datsun before they changed their name to hide such. I will be sure to confirm this with you as soon as we are certain of our stay but at this moment I was simply ascertaining your ability to provide such a luxury item. As should be clear by now, the fact I am bringing along our resident village idiot should confirm it is more of a business trip than a special occasion.

I realise there may be a few issues with resealing the original wrapping so I will be sure to give you plenty of advance notice but if I could get details on pricing I would be most grateful. If you need to practise the art before our arrival then the nickname I use for my wife is "Special Honeybear II" and this is the lettering I would be requiring.

Thanks again for getting in touch, I look forward to seeing your work.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

I have heard nothing since and have been left heartbroken and untouched. As ever I moved on this week to a place that offers free Wi-fi, 'me' time and no booking fees, the latter making me a bit sceptical about their facilities.

Message to the Hyatt Regency, Birmingham

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I noted with interest your low room rates and no booking fees but, far from making me lift the phone to text in my request, it made me wonder how you keep the lower classes out of your building. I'm all for equality between fellow men but I draw the line at having to listen to a group of rat-bottomed teenagers 'getting jiggy' in preparation for a 'gig' with their 'home boys' and children of mothers who refuse to wipe that awful green river from the faces of their 'little darlings' (brats).

Should I wish to stay with your wonderful staff would there be any consideration for my wishes? I would rather sleep beneath the repetitive clunking of a successful businessman using a treadmill as he makes another fine deal for himself than have to suffer groups of people who have to share rooms in order to get their one holiday a year. I hope this doesn't make me sound like a snob as I regularly give my spare change to the individuals with the tins outside supermarkets but I have my thoughts and I will stick by them.

I hope you will be able to alleviate my concerns and look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

I imagine there are people with these opinions out there but would like to stress, for the record, I am not one of them. Live and let live is my motto (that I stole from someone else).

Fitzwilliam, Dublin

It seems Drake's didn't want my business as I'm pretty sure their hotel is right on the beach and there would have been ample jetski parking close by. Perhaps they've met me and this is their online way of pulling the curtains closed and pretending they're not in.

I was talking to someone about Dublin this week and it got me thinking that the Irish, without wishing to stereotype, are generally agreeable people and therefore may be willing to fulfil my request.  With this in mind I have chosen the Fitzwilliam which boasts glorious views, luxurious rooms and a Pinterest account.

Message to the Fitzwilliam, Dublin

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I've always been fascinated by the bar staff who are able to produce a clover on the top of a perfectly poured Guinness despite the fact they are normally growling at my friend Pete who insists on a splash of blackcurrant in the bottom. He says this is because he's metropolitan but the last landlord asked if I was with him and I had to deny it as, if anyone's getting assaulted for Pete's choice of drink, it should be Pete.

On this topic I was wondering if your staff produce Snickers bars with the name of your great city on them and, if not, could they use their magical methods of pouring to recreate one? My wife loves souvenirs but will only eat chocolate if it's surrounding nuts, a scenario that granted me a black eye once as I attempted to apply humour to this fact.

I hope you are able to help as my stay is fairly soon and I would like to be able to wink at my wife as I promise her something unique and delicious. I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."