The Ritz, London

Massive thanks to everyone who has tuned in at some point to this blog over the last year. As Nelly Furtado said, "All good things come to an end"* and this is the last post for Rooms for Improvement.

Alas, dear reader, we all knew it was destined to end like this.

Message to The Ritz, London

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Please accept this email as confirmation that I would like to be considered for your next free prize draw. Should I win I may be contacted using this address.

I would very much like you to bear in mind that my poor wife has not been offered so much as a discount over the course of the past twelve months and I would hate to look like the kind of gentleman who does not live up to promises. Many thanks for your consideration and your possible complimentary hospitality (humble nod).

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Thanks to you all again once more, it's been great fun but my services are now required over at http://ratethestates.blogspot.co.uk/ - to keep up to date with who lives in the best state in the US please use the 'follow by email' button in the top, right hand corner.

I look forward to seeing you all again...

*Nelly Furtado actually asked, "Why do all good things come to an end?" but it's interesting to see how people manipulate quotes to suit their own needs.

Kilcamb Lodge, Argyll

Excellent news for future patrons of Rowhill Grange.

Message from Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Dear T. Lander,

 Thank you for your enquiry,

 I can assure you that the shells you see in the photo are for decorative purposes only.

 Kind Regards,

 ***
 

 Rowhill Grange Hotel Reception

 Hotel Reception Team

 Rowhill Grange Hotel & Utopia Spa

 mailto:rghotel@alexanderhotels.com ¦ 01322 615136

 http://www.rowhillgrange.co.uk "

Message to Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Many thanks, ***. So to confirm, your fine hotel still employs the use of toilet paper?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Message from Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Dear Mr Lander,

Yes I can confirm that we have toilet paper at the hotel.

Kind Regards,

***

  

Rowhill Grange Hotel Reception

Hotel Reception Team

Rowhill Grange Hotel & Utopia Spa

rghotel@alexanderhotels.com ¦ 01322 615136

www.rowhillgrange.co.uk"

Message to Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Thank you again ***, that's a relief."

I'm not certain how long their policy of using paper will last for so if you're planning on visiting in the next couple of years it still may be worth taking your own.

Message to Kilcamb Lodge, Argyll

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I bought my family a Christmas experience in that I acquired a snow machine, only to find that it is a bubble machine with a sock attached to the front. The product it ejects is neither cold nor delicious and I'm almost certain that our case of loose bowels last weekend is down to our consumption of the product.

I am looking for a hotel that offers real snow and was wondering if you are experiencing this yet? I am quite willing to pay extra, particularly if you have acquaintances who may be looking to buy a snow machine. I would suggest that you advise them never to eat artificial snow, however.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Rowhill Grange, Kent

I was more than a little hoping that the Magdalen Chapter would have returned my mail as overattending events is what I do best. At least if I'm at home the surroundings are familiar as I re-enjoy breakfast, I guess.

Message to Rowhill Grange, Kent

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

One of the pictures on your website depicts a luxurious looking bath with all the trimmings one might desire to relax in comfort. However, I notice on the footboard (?) of the bath are three seashells held on their own individual stands.

I was a huge fan of the film Demolition Man when it was released but I did not realise that some of the futuristic events were based on real life. When the officers joke about Mr. Stallone being unaware of how to use the three seashells I genuinely took this to be a piece of science fiction yet it now appears that I am in the same position.

Do you offer an instruction leaflet for the devices or is it a simple procedure that you believe I will pick up naturally?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

For those who haven't seen Demolition Man, the three seashells replace toilet paper. For those who think I'm making this up:

The Magdalen Chapter, Exeter

It looks like I'm not getting my premium sausage back. Uncle Frank will be disappointed but not nearly as much as my wife - she was looking forward to that sausage.

Message to The Magdalen Chapter, Exeter

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am very interested in your cocktail events, however the last time I indulged in such it took a team of paramedics to pump my stomach and I lost three days of good, solid work which impacted on me financially.

As my wife will be unable to attend would you be able to supply a sponsor to support me during the event and to prevent me from 'overattending' your event? I'm not dependent, I simply have difficulty gauging my behaviour from time to time.

I hope you will be able to supply such a mentor and I look forward to sensibly enjoying the beverages on offer.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The Merchant Hotel, Belfast

I've had quite the busy week.

Message from The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your email and I am delighted your guest is considering staying at The Grove.

In order to provide availability and prices, please may you advise if there are any dates that I can check for you?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

*** ***

Resort Reservations Agent

THE GROVE | Chandler’s Cross Hertfordshire WD3 4TG

Telephone: +44 (0)1923 296010 | www.thegrove.co.uk"

How could I say no?

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear ***,

Thank you most kindly for your fast response. I can confirm that the President would most likely be visiting on the 11th of December which is a Friday; if we were able to start from there I would be most grateful.

I hate to sound like a pawn in his game but his reasons for going through me are hopefully fairly obvious by now. His stay could possibly enhance the reputation of your establishment and he will be happy to pose for a photo for your wall. 

I'm certain he will endure a good 'knight' with you all from the images on your website!

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

They were under no illusions. They've clearly dealt with this before. Pros.

Message from The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your reply.

I am pleased to confirm the current availability for the Presidential Suite on Friday 11^th December for one night only. This is available again from Monday 14^th December for 2 nights, and then again from Thursday 17^thDecember for much longer duration. Please may you advise how long the guest is looking to stay with us here at the hotel and I will be delighted to confirm the prices.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

*** ***

Resort Reservations Agent

THE GROVE | Chandler’s Cross Hertfordshire WD3 4TG

Telephone: +44 (0)1923 296010 | www.thegrove.co.uk"

The thought of finding out prices made my fingers prick up.

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

“Dear ***,

That is fantastic news. He is looking at one night only and it would be handy to know if you have room for his transport, Ground Force One. It's only a Hummer H2 but will require two parking spaces in my honest opinion.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

Message from The Grove, Chandler's Cross

“Dear Mr Lander,

We will certainly have plenty of space for the transport for the guest. Additionally we can also offer the Presidential Suite at the rate of [£BASICALLY A FOUR FIGURE SUM] per night inclusive of breakfast and vat.

Please do let me know if you would like to proceed with the reservation or if I can provide any further information and I will be more than happy to assist.

Kind regards,

*** ***

Resort Reservations Agent

THE GROVE | Chandler’s Cross Hertfordshire WD3 4TG

Telephone: +44 (0)1923 296010 | www.thegrove.co.uk”

They forced my hand at this point and I had to back down. Gutted. It's a good job I'm not one of those people who feels bad and goes through with the transaction to save face, though.

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

“Dear ***,

Many thanks for the details. I shall pass the information on to the president of the chess club and get back to you should we wish to proceed.

Once again I would like to thank you for your professional and timely assistance.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

Well played, The Grove. How do I follow that?

Message to The Merchant Hotel, Belfast

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am loathe to enquire due to the nature of the artifact but it appears my wife and I may have left something in our room last weekend. Unfortunately I don't remember the room number, however the offending article would be obvious were it handed in.

It is very personal to us and I would very much like to have it back if possible. It is long, has a generous girth and is a pink/purple hue. Should it not have been handed in I would not recommend touching the item without gloves as it may not be completely hygienic.

I apologise in advance but hope you can help with the return of our item.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The Grove, Chandler's Cross

I've sent a scout to check out Davies. Says he's alright. Not good enough for me, I need to hear it from the horse's mouth.

Message to The Grove, Chandler's Cross

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am writing to enquire about the availability of your presidential suite in January. I am acting on behalf of an individual who is looking to stay with you but cannot book his own accommodation for security reasons.

Although I am unable to reveal his identity I can confirm that he is unique in his position, has been a big hit with the people he looks after and speaks with an American accent as he hails from Hawaii; needless to say the presidential suite is the only one he will consider.

I look forward to crossing diaries with you and thank you in advance for your time.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Shibden Mill Inn, Halifax

Noise meditation is off. If you applied to be part of our life changing group I'm afraid you will be very disappointed. More importantly there are no refunds, please do not embarrass our staff by asking for one.

I wondered whether the tone of my previous posts might have put recipients off replying to me so I've changed up a gear this week. Don't panic, I'll be back to my normal self next week.

Message to the Shibden Mill Inn, Halifax

"Yo,

I see you've got Roger Davies on the bill. Is he any good? I've just scored a scud load of cash from my aunt and thought I'd blow it all on a night out. Your gaff looks top.

I'd appreciate your honesty in this, if you've seen him and he doesn't tell any decent jokes about scooting round other people's houses at night then I'd probably not like him. Don't think you're missing out, I'll still give you a nose around but I'll pick a time when there's someone else on.

Cheers and gone,

Big T”

Church Farm Barns, Stratford-Upon-Avon

The owners of the Duke of Wellington are so embarrassed about how early they put up their decorations that they have refused to get back to me, suggesting they're already up. Shudder.

This week I'm going to the birthplace of the inventor of words himself, William Shakespeare. Don't panic, I know he didn't invent words as such, but he did coin some new terms such as fashionable, tranquil and birthplace. Why am I telling you this?

Message to Church Farm Barns, Stratford-Upon-Avon

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My wife and I have recently established a new group designed to combine both meditation and noise therapy. Our bunch of noisy meditators are looking for a location for an inaugural get-together and loved the look of your accommodation.

I was wondering if we could practise, undisturbed, within your beautiful grounds? There is nothing worse while one is wailing and meditating than having football fans wandering past and chanting about the cup or what have you.

Many thanks for taking the time to read this, I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Duke of Wellington, Newton

A lack of response from Ellenborough Park makes me think they are very happy with their prices. I didn't want a massive reduction, even points on a loyalty card would have sufficed, but I shall take my hundred pounds and spend it on scones elsewhere. This raises another point - would anyone like any scones?

Message to the Duke of Wellington, Newton

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My wife and I are looking for a suitable location for a winter get together around the area of your establishment and I am writing to enquire as to whether you are likely to have Christmas decorations littering your ceilings towards the end of November.

I can tolerate children running around and singing 'Jingle Bells' as they push their sibling's head into a fountain but I feel this month is much to early to be forcing guests to increase their frivolity and I strongly feel that tinsel and ceiling decorations are designed to do just that.

I hope I am not projecting an image of Scrooge here as I once spent an entire Christmas party with my underwear on the outside of my suit as we strode between public houses, however that was on the 15th of December and well into what I like to call 'the Christmas Zone'.

I look forward to your reassurance.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Ellenborough Park, Cheltenham

It's been a week yet still nobody has got back to me to tell me that this: O is a clay pigeon. That's the least I would have replied given the status of 'owning a castle'.

Message to Ellenborough Park, Cheltenham

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was hoping you could offer me some reassurance on your prices. While I realise your establishment has an aura of indulgence and taste I have priced a similar experience to your luxury spa and afternoon tea and have yet to reach your price of £99.

Though I am a man of simple tastes and am happy to admit this I can acquire scones and cakes from a young lady on our road who always winks as I leave and can also procure the services of a masseuse who claims to be 'number one' from the final section of our local free newspaper.

I am keen to know how your experience would differ from my own and look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Balfour Castle, Orkney

The proprietary types at Wolds Village are obviously more than happy for my business to be discussed among their other clients. I am outraged...but not enough to write to them again.

Message to Balfour Castle, Orkney

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

May I start by saying what a unique and stunning accommodationary venue you are offering to the public, my heartiest congratulatory blessings are cast forthwith in your directional vicinity. 

I have some concerns about one of the activial functions you offer should we decide to stay in one of your fine rooms - how easy is it for an amateur like myself to hit one of your clay pigeons? Are they modelled on the larger birds found in Trafalgar Square or would they more accurately represent the undernourished specimens of Somerset?

My reason for asking is that I am approaching with some sharp shooters and I would hate to look foolish despite my amateur status.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Wolds Village, Bainton

Some days you find yourself going round in circles. Often it's because people are avoiding the question.

Message from Hartwell House, Aylesbury

“Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your recent enquiry.

We do offer free parking at Harwell House Hotel for any guests that are staying or dining here.

  

If I can provide you with any further information please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

*** ***

Senior Receptionist

Hartwell House, Spa and Restaurant

EVERY VISIT BENEFITS THE NATIONAL TRUST”

Message to Hartwell House, Aylesbury

“Hi ***

Many thanks for the return email, however I was hoping the rooms themselves would be free. I'm not entirely sure what benefits NT membership offers.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

Message from Hartwell House, Aylesbury

“Dear Mr Lander,

Hartwell House Hotel is part of the National Trust. We are owned by Historical House Hotels.

We are open to guests who are staying or dining with us.

We are not open as a National Trust property, although if you were to join us for lunch, afternoon tea or dinner you would be welcome to walk the grounds.

If I can provide you with any further information please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

*** ***

Senior Receptionist

Hartwell House, Spa and Restaurant

EVERY VISIT BENEFITS THE NATIONAL TRUST”

Remember, there's only one letter difference between 'blogger' and 'blagger' but there's also one letter between 'can' and 'can't'. Don't get all pedantic with me about the apostrophe. 

To Yorkshire...

Message to Wolds Village, Bainton

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I came across your website after finding the picture of the red four poster bed...you sure know how to get a potential guest's attention.

My only concern is the so called 'village mentality'. Is this something your hotel suffers from? I would hate for the other guests to know exactly what my wife and I get up to in your rooms and would rue even more their discussions with each other over tea and cake in the afternoon.

I would be grateful if you could alleviate my concerns as I would hate to end up as the Wolds Village idiot!

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Hartwell House, Aylesbury

The good people at Eastwood Hall are very happy to answer any questions, no matter how philosophical.

Message from Eastwood Hall, Eastwood

"Good Morning Mr Lander,

Many thanks for your enquiry with Eastwood Hall, Nottingham for your daughters wedding, does she have any dates in mind that I can check for her?

We have a red carpet that we include complimentary with our weddings, we do not supply chair covers so if you use your own that is no problem however we cant guarantee the room would be available the day prior to dress the chairs but if friends and family are available they can of course help you to dress the chairs on the morning of the wedding.

Eastwood Hall is situated just five miles from junction 26 off the M1. Set in the beautiful Nottinghamshire countryside, Eastwood Hall provides a magnificent setting for your Wedding Reception and Ceremony if you are planning a civil ceremony which would be perfect for photos. Our aim is to be the very best venue in the area and we work continuously to ensure that the food and service are of the highest standards. Our friendly and professional staff will ensure that your special day is one to be remembered by all.

A special accommodation rate in available at 10% discount per room based on double and single occupancy. This rate includes full English breakfast and complimentary use of our leisure facilities, for guests aged 18 years and over.

Our resident DJ is £350.00 inclusive of VAT however you are free to source your own at no additional cost. Entertainment can play until 1:00am and our bar closes at

2:00am.

I hope this information meets with your immediate requirements however please contact me if you have any queries. If you or your daughter would like to come in for a show round please let me know.

In Answer to your other question- A woodchuck would chuck no amount of wood since a woodchuck can’t chuck wood!

 Kind Regards

*** ***

Weddings and Special Events Coordinator"

Message to Eastwood Hall, Eastwood

"Dear ***,

Many thanks for your detailed response; the fact you answered my initial enquiry really made me smile!

I don't believe there is a date just yet as we're currently working through fourteen different colour schemes - blue and white, green and white, green and cream, red and gold, red white and gold, red black and gold, blue and orange, blue white and orange, blue black and orange, purple and white, purple red and white, purple gold and white, purple black and cream or completely white. If you have any suggestions based on these (or our three back up themes of green and gold, purple green and gold or red purple green and gold) I would be delighted to hear them.

Regarding the seat covers, I believe a young man named Dan has advised us that he would be willing to decorate the seats for the very reasonable fee of £20, however he has to calculate whether he will available in accordance with his community service. His brother is definitely available but wants £40 and a free bar...yes, I can imagine your expression at reading that.

Finally I would like to congratulate your DJ as £350 would have been a celebrity wedding when I was on the circuit. I was once the only lad on our road with a Yamaha FS1E but that hardly makes me a celebrity.

Once again many thanks for your return, I look forward to your thoughts.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

That's cleared all of that up. At least it will, when they get back to me with a colour scheme.

Message to Hartwell House, Aylesbury

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

As a National Trust member I am entitled to free parking at the beaches in our local area. Could you confirm this same discount applies to rooms in your establishment?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Eastwood Hall, Eastwood

I guess somebody's not confident about the results of their beauty room. A real shame.

Message to Eastwood Hall, Eastwood

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I am enquiring as to the exact amount a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood. I jest; unless you know the answer of course.

A very good friend of mine has a daughter who is engaged to be married and is currently seeking venues. While most boast luxury, fine detail and perfection I was hoping to become involved with the preparations as I know they are not as well off as ourselves.

I have acquired table cloths and seat covers from an electronic bidding website and was hoping this may save in cleaning bills. Likewise I was hoping to supply a red carpet, although sourcing such without existing stains is proving to be a nightmare. I realise these are likely to be drinks but I don't wish to take any risks.

In short, would my involvement be a possibility? I look forward to hearing the answer to one or both of my questions as I was asked the initial phrase at a formal dinner.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Paddocks House, Newmarket

Still no word from the Four Seasons. More worrying still is the lack of interest from the Royal Berkshire Hotel - I mean, it could be blood on the carpet. Pools and pools of crimson, flowing blood...

Message to Paddocks House, Newmarket

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Could you advise me on the effectiveness of your beauty room please? I have employed the same maid for over twelve years now and, while she has courted on and off, we are concerned that she seems unable to keep to the same gentleman caller and I have recently considered that it may be her looks.

Naturally I would never insinuate this to her but I was considering a voucher that we could masquerade as a prize for Maid of the Year or some such event. I believe this would help her to break the unnatural cycle she seems to hold for attracting men for a single night and never seeing them again, the poor dear.

I trust you can answer my query and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Royal Berkshire Hotel, Ascot

I was contacted by the Four Seasons last week but it was a message to say that my enquiry had been passed on to a more skeptical, less likely to reply department. I sometimes wish I had one of these departments to filter messages into...always dream big.

Message to the Royal Berkshire Hotel, Ascot

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

Though it shames me to admit I used a false identity, I require some information as I am currently staying in one of your rooms.

Without prejudice, would you mind confirming the level of cleanliness required by yourselves before we leave the room? For example, are there any stains you would not wish left for your staff? I'm asking on behalf of the room next door.

I hope you can provide a swift response.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Four Seasons Hotel, Dogmersfield

Grand news fresh in from Colchester.

Message from Wivenhoe House, Colchester

"Dear Mr. Lander,

I am more than happy to tell you that although our hotel is close to the University campus, we are not affect by any such pranks you were subjected to in Russia.

The hotel is situated on the edge of the campus, so out of reach of day-to-day noises, and should you wish to walk through the grounds, please rest assured our security personnel have a visible presence at all times.

I hope this information is of service to you, Sir, and, please, if you have any more questions do not hesitate to contact us.

Wishing you a good evening,

Kind Regards

*** ***

Front of House

Wivenhoe House Hotel"

Message to Wivenhoe House, Colchester

"Dear ***,

That's excellent news. There's nothing worse than rowdy, naked students. Except, perhaps, rowdy naked pensioners.

Many Thanks.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

This week I'm continuing on the un-British theme.

Message to the Four Seasons Hotel, Dogmersfield

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

My apologies, but this Country I am not from. Staying I am with residents and assured me they did that hotel of yours is very good a lot. Hoping soon to stay with you I am but first question that must be answered if you are willing I have.

Swimming pool on your website very nice I have found. Bringing my wife with me I am hoping and privacy big priority for renting pool the one evening. For one evening how much for my wife and I but nobody in with us?

Your time is many thank you and I email return look forward to very soon.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Wivenhoe House, Colchester

I've well and truly lost sight of the doner van. Life's so unfair sometimes.

Message to Wivenhoe House, Colchester

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I notice from your site map that you have a campus nearby for Essex University students; with this in mind I would like to ask if you have many pranks or unsavoury activities affecting the guests of your hotel?

I once stayed in a Russian hotel that was mere feet from a community college and the antics of the students were enough to make my poor wife blush. I saw underwear on more than one occasion and a young man was almost sick on my brand new shoes. We passed a large group on one occasion and, although I couldn't understand what they were saying, it sounded derogatory and boorish.

Many thanks in advance for this information, I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Château Rhianfa, Beaumaris

Does anyone know how I can find out if the Acacia overlooks the ground? I want to be truly and completely landlocked yet they refuse to reveal whether this is possible.

Message to the Château Rhianfa, Beaumaris

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was passing your unique venue last week and had the most pleasant dining experience I can remember for a long time. Unfortunately I have tried to recreate the dish in my own abode yet my experimentation has come to nothing. I am looking to treat my wife and wish to perfect the dish as soon as possible.

I believe our order consisted of a lamb shish as I was told specifically not to order the doner due to the vast chasm of quality difference. The van was parked around 100 yards from the entrance to your grounds and I would relish an opportunity to discuss the preparation with the owner to allow me access to such a divine meal from the comfort of my own home.

Many thanks in advance for any help you can offer at this time. 

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Acacia Boutique, Douglas

We're all set for a trip to the Hotel Gotham as soon as they reply to my reply.

Message from the Hotel Gotham, Manchester

"Hi Terry,

Thank you for your recent email.

Which date were you looking to book for?

Thanks

*** ***

Reservations Manager"

Message to the Hotel Gotham, Manchester

"Hi ***

That would depend greatly on the discount. Naturally, fighting crime is a low paying vocation and I have to subsidise this with removing the dark side from dishes at weekends. My availability is high during the week as I can record Doctors and I imagine this would suit your off peak times, although I don't wish to invite myself to your house as such.

I look forward to matching times with you and thank you for such a fast response.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Great news! Meanwhile...

Message to Acacia Boutique, Douglas

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

After careful consideration of your website I am now keen to know if you have any rooms that don't overlook the sea. I realise this is a popular trap for tourists but there is nothing worse in my opinion than waking up and feeling like you're trapped in a boat.

In fact I would be willing to pay more for a room that overlooks a firm, solid field. Is this possible at all? I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

Hotel Gotham, Manchester

I don't mind hotels not wanting to use my supermarket points but they could at least reply and let me know what offers they are likely to accept. I have a coupon here for washing powder from a magazine that's worth 50p.

This week I am going to attempt to write to Gotham without mentioning the B word.

Message to the Hotel Gotham, Manchester

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I have been perusing your website but I couldn't find any information on discounts for celebrities. Despite the fact you may not have heard of me I regularly walk the streets looking to make the city safer and have received award upon award for my tireless efforts. I don't need a pat on the back, just a few pounds off.

I realise you may need some proof but I would be humbled and honoured if you were to take my word. You may recognise my eyes if that helps. I look forward to staying with you.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.

P.S. I'M THE BATMAN"

Ah, damn it.

Corinthia Hotel, London

There's no way The Kings Arms are happy with their header photo but a lack of response means they've blown their chance of a replacement.

Message to Corinthia Hotel, London

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was perusing your website and noticed your loyalty scheme. I must put forward my delight at the thought of a hotel as prestigious as yours rewarding customers for returning to yourselves.

I do have one small enquiry; I have a number of supermarket loyalty cards and was hoping you would consider using those as part payment towards a night in your hotel. While I am certain airmiles would be as useful to you as as a tortoise based transport system I see no reason why cash savings at popular supermarkets wouldn't be appealing.

I look forward to hearing the exchange rate for such items and have my diary to hand for your response.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The Kings Arms, Temple Sowerby

Damn the law in this Country, keeping our privacy safe (for now).

Message from The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

“Dear Mr Lander

Further to your recent email, due to the data protection act we are unable to pass on information of guests who have stayed in the hotel.

You may however find the following article, about The Royal Hotel's history, answers your queries.

http://www.redfunnel.co.uk/my-isle-of-wight/features/jewel-in-the-island%E2%80%99s-crown-%E2%80%93-the-royal-hotel-in-ventnor/.

If we can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Kind regards

Reservations”

Message to The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

“Dear All,

Many thanks for your informative and prompt reply. Do you have any information as to when the Data Protection Act lapses and the Freedom of Information Act takes over for this subject? I realise I'm stepping on your right to privacy with my right to free speech but this world is so full of paradoxes. Your revelation of Robert Plant makes me think you may drip feed me further celebrities in the future but I realise my patience is most likely to bring reward so I will desist from my badgering (which makes me think Brian May).

I have been to the Isle of Wight before but the occasion was blighted with glass in my foot, being too young to drink and the death of our own Princess Diana. I hope to return to at least spend a week without another royal death, although one cannot plan for these things I realise.

Many thanks again and I look forward to the possibility of, but not the definite eventuality of, a further reply. Perhaps just a Daphne and Celeste or Gina G will keep me going for now?

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

Ominously there was no return. I think we all know what that means. Onward.

Message to The Kings Arms, Temple Sowerby

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

There is a photo on the main header of your website featuring a gentleman in a white shirt, a young man in white and a lady in a purple shirt. While their attire is nothing to put potential visitors off their stance is; what I mean is that they look like they are leaving despite having no dinnerware, making me think they've received slow service or arrived on a day when the kitchen was closed. As a hungry individual I wish to be given the impression that the kitchen never closes despite my realisation of the contrary.

I am willing to put myself and my family forward to be models in a replacement shot of the same image as the beautiful scenery and charming weather really make me want to visit your fine hotel. For this we would simply need travel and accommodation due to the fact that we are not professional models and I believe my children, as good as they are, may need some direction.

I am more than happy to help with this, please do not send any gifts of thanks. I look forward to receiving your reply.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq."

The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

Ah, but we already knew that.

Message from Lower Slaughter Manor, Lower Slaughter

“Dear Mr Lander,

Thank you for your email. I am afraid the gremlins seem to have been at work, as the property is called Lower Slaughter Manor rather than Lowers Laughter Manor.

Please find attached a copy of the hotel history, which details where the name came from.

We are delighted that we provided you with a few moment's enjoyment, and hope to welcome you to Lower Slaughter Manor soon.

With kind regards,

*** ***

Front of House Manager”

Message to Lower Slaughter Manor, Lower Slaughter

“Hello ***,

I hope you don't mind me saying but the difference between Lowers Laughter and Lower Slaughter has quite taken me aback.

The good news is that the information you sent me has settled my nerves somewhat and I am intrigued about your delightful property. I am sure I will visit you very soon.

I apologise for my failing eyes, I can see now where the error has occurred. I wish you all the best.

Kind regards,

T. Lander, esq.”

The information they sent me about the hotel is quite interesting and so I will copy it to the bottom of this post. Meanwhile...

Message to The Royal Hotel, Isle of Wight

"Dear Sir/Madam/proprietary type,

I was perusing the history of your hotel and can find no reference to royalty whatsoever. It left me pondering; should I wish to stay with you, would I have a chance to bump into Prince Charles and his dear mother or not?

Should this not be the case I would be interested in a list of celebrities who have stayed in your rooms before, although this is mainly so I can avoid the Ant and Dec types. I have no qualms about people from the North East but their quirky mannerisms would have me on guard all weekend.

Thank you in advance,

T. Lander, esq."

A history of Lower Slaughter Manor

The name Lower Slaughter does not recall some fearful bygone carnage as might be supposed. It is said to originate from the name of a Norman Knight, Philip de Sloitre, who was granted land in the area by William the Conqueror. The name proved too much of a “tongue twister” for the peasants who corrupted it to ‘slaughter’, though some say it derives from an Anglo-Saxon word, meaning ‘muddy or watery place’. The first written record is in The Doomsday Book where the name is spelt “Sclostre”.

The history of the Manor dates back nearly 1000 years and it is known that a Manor house stood on the site before the Conquest, even as early as 1004 A.D.

In 1443, the Manor became a convent housing nuns from the order Syon when the order was granted the land. The two storey dovecote that still stands in the grounds is said to have supplied the nuns with nourishment.

Some 100 years or so later, after King Henry VIII’s break with Rome in 1543 and the subsequent dissolution of the monasteries, the Manor was returned to the crown in 1603, during the reign of King James I. The Manor was granted in 1611 to Sir George Whitmore, High Sheriff of Gloucestershire and remained in the family until 1964. In 1655, Sir George’s son contracted Valentine Strong to build a house at Lower Slaughter “for the sum of £200.00.00d in lawful English money”. Valentine Strong was a very important stonemason of his time, and was stated to be of national importance. His son, Thomas was the principal contractor employed by Sir Christopher Wren in the building of St Paul’s Cathedral.

Although much altered by later generations, the house retains some interior fittings, one being the stone fireplace in the lounge dated 1658. The Drawing Room and Panel Room both have splendid ceilings, contemporary with the building, enriched with medallions of fruit, flowers and figures of angelic females and birds.

To the side of the Manor stands the very unusual stable block, dated 1770, which hosts a fine central clock tower. A small addition was made to the east of the building in 1864 and in 1891, a larger wing was added on the east side as well as a gazebo window on the staircase landing, overlooking the gardens to the north.

The house was built on a high basement and in one of the basement rooms, now used as our pastry kitchen, is a mural inscription which reads:

A good character is valuable to everyone, but especially to servants. For it is their bread and butter and without it they cannot be admitted a creditable family, and happy it is that the best of characters is in everyone’s power to deserve”

Richard White 1771